You Inspire My Inner Ripper: The 21 Worst Jack the Ripper Items on Etsy

Shopkeeper engraving.

I’m addicted to Etsy, and every so often I do a search for “Jack the Ripper.”

There’s a ton of stuff: t-shirts, posters, books (new and vintage), collectibles, dioramas, action figures, reproduction newspapers, fake newspapers, Morrissey items (he sang a song called “Jack the Ripper), commemorative coins, collectibles for a book series called Stalking Jack the Ripper (lots of these), gaming miniatures, posters, maps, and jewelry.

And some of it sucks.

Here are the 21 worst Jack the Ripper items on Etsy, in ascending order of awfulness.

21. The Real Jack the Ripper Needlepoint Pattern Digital Download

Maybe the real Jack the Ripper was the friends we made along the way.

Or maybe the real Jack the Ripper was a psychotic serial murderer and mutilator, targeting the most vulnerable women.

Order here.

 20. Jack The Ripper Horror Minifigure

Jack the Ripper minifig.

From the description:

Jack is a drastically tall and thin humanoid with pale skin, an alarmingly slender body, and blurred and waxy features, with all that can be made out a sculpted, skeletal white disfiguring [what is this word salad?]. His fingers are unnaturally long and claw-like, and his left hand has been replaced with a metal claw of long, curved surgical blades.

I just want to know about the forceps pinned to his coat.

Order here.

19. Jack the Ripper True Crime History Edition Shirt

Jack doesn’t look angry, or maniacal, or murderous. He looks like someone nearby passed gas.

Order here, I guess.

18. I’ve Got a Date with Jack Women’s Tee

"I've Got a Date with Jack" t-shirt.

It says “I’ve got a date with Jack,” and then it has a picture of a sewing implement called a “ripper.” Get it? Huh? Do ya? DO YOU GET IT?????

Order here, if you must.

17. “Jack the Ripper” T-Shirt

T-shirt that says "Jack the Ripper."

What the hell? This is the most non-creative thing I’ve ever seen. It just says “Jack the Ripper.” That’s it. It’s not even a period font. No image, nothing. It’s the world’s worst Jack the Ripper costume.

Do not give this person money.

16. Funny Serial Killer Sweatshirt

You Inspire My Inner Ripper.

Yeah, I get the joke, but eww.

Order here, if this kind of thing floats your boat.

15. Jack the Ripper Gothic Belt Buckle

Jack the Ripper Gothic Belt Buckle.

This is not the only item on Etsy depicting Jack the Ripper as some kind of skeleton or monster. That’s a great top hat, but I can’t get over that collar. Now that’s a collar. Jack ain’t fooling around with his sartorial choices. What a dapper, raffish fellow.

I guess if you gotta.

14. Last Action Hero Jack the Ripper Action Figure

God, I remember this guy—Sloth from Goonies wearing chain mail and carrying an axe. I just imagine him in Whitechapel at 3:00 a.m., and a police constable tipping his helmet and saying “on your way, good sir.”

Why would you want this?

13. Mad Hatter

Jack the Ripper riding a monowheel.

Here’s Steampunk Jack the Ripper riding a monowheel. As someone who once wrote a short story where the Ripper turns out to be Joseph Merrick in a Steampunk mecha suit, I guess I can’t complain.

I can see why you’d want this one.

12. Custom Year One Kidney Club Glass Ornament 

One Kidney Club Ornament.

This has nothing to do with Jack the Ripper, but it came up on the search. I found it darkly hilarious.

Sure, buy this one, if you have one kidney (or you’re Catherine Eddowes).

11. Jack the Ripper Roll-on Cologne

Smells of bergamot, juniper, jasmine, and patchouli, just like disemboweled effluent.

Do not order this.

10. Smells Like Jack the Ripper Scented Soy Wax Candle

"Smells Like Jack the Ripper" candle.

“Allow the gentle and comforting scent and aroma of Jack the Ripper.” But that’s not all. This is from the description:

In the hustle and bustle of today’s world, we often overlook the simple yet profound moments that make life beautiful. Our candles are here to remind you to cherish those moments, to slow down, and to create an atmosphere of warmth and serenity.

This isn’t just tone deaf, it’s tone dumb and tone blind too.

You don’t need this.

9. Jack the Ripper Nostalgia Pack

Jack the Ripper Nostalgia Pack.

I was just going to include the commemorative coin, but then I discovered the nostalgia pack. Yes, “nostalgia” for impoverished, crime-plagued 1888 Whitechapel and a series of eleven horrific murders and mutilations. What else are you nostalgic for, genocide?

Don’t you dare buy this.

8. Jack the Ripper Diorama

Jack the Ripper diorama.

The thing I love about this is that the victim was apparently walking down the street half-naked in 20th Century lingerie. That, or it’s Leeloo from The Fifth Element.

Where in your house would you even put this?

7. Jack the Ripper Diorama Mark II

Jack the Ripper diorama.

This one’s cool because it comes with little separate figures so you can play “Mutilation Series” all day long. Also, this photo was taken with a potato.

Buy two and save.

6. Portrait of a Killer: Jack the Ripper Case Closed Hollow Book Safe

"Portrait of a Killer: Jack the Ripper Case Closed" Hollow Book Safe.

Exactly what Patricia Cornwell intended. I guess this is for people afraid zombie Jack the Ripper is going to break into their house at night and steal their Trump flag.

You’re going to pay $63 for a mutilated $15 book?

5. Jack the Ripper Choker

Excuse me, I would like to purchase a piece of jewelry. Do you have anything that evokes having your throat slashed so deeply you’re almost decapitated?

Purchase this if you lack any semblance of good taste.

4. Jack and His Kids in London Digital Download

Jack and His Kids in London horrible AI art.

What is this piece of crappy AI “art”—oh good lord it’s Jack the Ripper and his murder children. MURDER CHILDREN.

You do not want this travesty.

3. Dollhouse Miniature Jack the Ripper

Dollhouse miniature of a dismembered body in a trunk.

Darling! I have a new miniature for your dollhouse! Sure, if your dollhouse is 611 W. 63rd Street in Chicago, Illinois. This is gross. Also, you know, inaccurate, which is definitely the worst thing about it.

If you buy this I will lose all respect for you.

2. Jack the Ripper Bust

What fresh hell is this? I guess this is one of the Jack-as-monster items. Maybe he’s some kind of wolfman.

Buy this if you hate yourself.

1. Jack the Ripper From Hell Letter Display with Kidney

Jack the Ripper "From Hell" Letter Display w/ Kidney.

I… can’t even. I’m done.

Order this, you sick fuck.

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