Sauron’s Blog

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began My Mood Is: stunned

Melkor is back! No, really! It turns out that noise was him!

Apparently, after the war, the Valar traitors dragged Melkor back to Valinor and threw him in the Halls of Mandos, where they kept him imprisoned for three ages.

Has it really been three ages? I wouldn’t know. How long is an “age?”

Anyway, they eventually let Melkor free, and Manwë the Dickless Prick actually pardoned him, seemingly convinced that three ages sitting in dark hole was gonna put Melkor in a better mood. What the hell is wrong with that guy? I mean, just how stupid is he?

So Melkor decided to hang out for a while in Valinor, and get up to some mischief. He says the place is just crawling with elves, so Melkor spent a bunch of time screwing with them. I didn’t really listen to this part - Melkor went on and on about all these freakin’ elves and their families and arguments. Who cares?

Anyway, the Valar finally figured out that Melkor wasn’t “reformed,” so he escaped south to the land Avathar, which is in Valinor but on the other side of the Pelóri, so it wasn’t poisoned by the light of those insipid trees. And guess who he found there?

No, guess!

Ungoliant! Remember her, the really weird chick from back in the Timeless Halls? Turns out she’s been living down south in spider form, eating everything in sight. I am not at all surprised she got fat.

So Melkor hooked up with Ungoliant, and convinced her to help him attack those moronic trees, which they did. Ungoliant sucked all the life and light out of them, and they’re just a couple of dried-out husks. Excellent work, if you ask me.

Long story short, Melkor and Ungoliant escaped. They stopped off at some guy’s house to kill him and take his magic rocks — seriously, anything about elves and I just tune out — and then they crossed the grinding ice of the Helcaraxë and made it back to Middle Earth.

That’s when Ungoliant decided to attack Melkor. It was Melkor who was screaming when I sent the Balrogs to go check it out. Seriously, Melkor has really lost the old mojo if Ungoliant can almost kick his ass.

The Balrogs showed up, drove Ungoliant away, and brought Melkor back here to Angband. End of story.

I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I have fixed feelings about Melkor being back. But I do have to say this: he is PISSED.

And that, my friends, can only be a good thing.

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: bewildered

We just heard a terrible noise coming out of the far northwest of Middle-Earth. It was the same sound the Orcs make when I torture them, but a million times worse. 

It was clearly of supernatural origin, as we could hear it in Angband hundreds of miles away.  Yes, I’ve returned to Angband — it’s my house, and I won’t be driven into hiding because Melkor was too much of a pussy to defeat Manwë and his butt buddies.

Anyway, I’ve sent some of the balrogs to see what it’s all about. 

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: sickened

Okay, I’m still just totally — what? Disgusted? Sickened? Perplexed? Infuriated? Over this whole Melian situation. I mean, I get that we could never be together again — she sided with the Dickless Prick. It’s not like I’m still in love with her or anything.

But marrying an ELF????  Listen, I’m into some pretty sick shit, what with the burning and torturing and killing and all. In order to breed the Orcs, I’ve had to do some pretty nasty things to them. Lots of incest, for one thing. So it’s not like I’m one to judge.

Except I’m not going around shtupping any freaking elves.  I can’t imagine even being attracted to one of them. I’m a freaking Maia of the freaking Ainur of the freaking Timeless Halls, for chrissakes.

Anyway, this is not what I was going to blog about today. There are other things to worry about than Melian getting her metaphorical pooter diddled by a pointy-eared ape.

Specifically, a few years ago Carcharoth was out roaming the darkened forests when he came upon yet another race of bipedal mortals. These were significantly different from the elves, which are tall, fair and quite tasty, with really tender white meat.  The new mortals are short, squat and stringy — all nasty, foul-tasting dark meat.  Perfectly good for feeding Orcs, but no good for the rest of us.

Well, obviously I just assumed these were Men. After all, Eru Ilúvatar would never lie, right? And He said there would be two races, right? Elves and Men. And since these weren’t Elves, they had to be Men. Simple deductive reasoning.

I quickly determined these “Men” would be of no value to us, and ordered the various werewolves, vampires, trolls and giants I’ve got roaming Middle Earth to kill them on sight.

Well, I was over near Eglador, wearing a pleasing elvish shape, just spying things out. I happened to be near Menegroth, that hole in the ground that Melian and Thingol hide in, but that was just a coincidence. I was mapping out terrain in preparation for invasion, not spying on Melian and her fucktoy.

Anyway.  I ran into a bunch of these so-called “Men,” who were on their way to see Thingol. I could have destroyed them with a wave of my hand, but I didn’t want to reveal myself to Melian, so I played nice and pretended to be a friendly elf prince.  And that’s when I learned — these aren’t Men!

The elves call them Naugrim, and they call themselves Khazâd. But they’re just Dwarves. Stupid, stunted Dwarves. And not Men at all!

Turns out Aulë made them, long ago. I’m not surprised — they look like Aulë’s work, shoddy and ill-designed. And did Eru punish Aulë for his presumption? Of course not. Because that would have been FAIR.

So Eru LIED about there only being two mortal races. And He punished Melkor and myself for original thinking, but not Aulë. Infallible my ass!

Now I’ve got the boys on double patrols, looking for Men. And any of Aulë’s stinking Dwarves they find are to be euthanized on sight.

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: dumbfounded

She… I mean… WHAAAT????

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: murderous

You will not believe what I just found out. I don’t even know where to begin. I — I can’t believe it.

Some background: when Oromë (he’s a stupid Earth spirit who imagines himself a great huntsman) “found” the elves, many years AFTER I found them, he lured three of them back to Valinor so they could get all impressed by the stupid trees and return to con the rest of the elves into going to Valinor to worship the Valar traitors. Which they did.

So these three elves led the rest across Eriador AND Beleriand. They weren’t marching in ordered groups, either. They just kind of wandered. It took DECADES.

So the first two groups get to the coast of the Belegaer, the Great Sea, and of course they don’t have boats because boats haven’t been invented yet. Whatever a “boat” is. For once, the Valar do something with style, and rip off a big chunk of land for the elves to ride on. This portable island takes off across the sea, and Huzzah! my elf infestation problem is solved.

EXCEPT — the last group doesn’t go. They can’t find their leader, Elwë — he just up and vanished one day, and no, it wasn’t because of me. Remember, I wanted them to go, as quickly as possible.

Eventually, they took off without Elwë, and I forgot about the whole thing. Until today, when one of my spies informed me that Elwë was still alive, and founding his own kingdom among the Sindar, aka the “Grey Elves.” He’s even calling himself Elu Thingol, “King Greymantle.”

Which is bad enough. But — and here’s where words fail me, so I’ll just get it out.

HE MARRIED MELIAN.

MY MELIAN.

What?? How??? I mean — WHAT?????? First of all, why was she even in Middle Earth at all? Why would she fall in love with a MORTAL??? And a stupid elf at that? Is this even allowed, Maiar shtupping Mortals? I mean, it’s disgusting! It’s like you having sex with your dog!

Is she CRAZY? Why? I just want to know why she did this.

Oh, and I’m going to KILL Elu Thingol. Count on it.

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: vomitous

Well, the elves have pretty much left Middle Earth. That’s not to say they all accepted the “invitation” from Valinor — lots of elves stayed behind. The so-called “Eldar,” who have wandered off to grovel at the feet of the Valar traitors, call the elves who stayed behind “Dark Elves.” I call them “tomorrow’s loyal thralls.”

I have spies amongst the Eldar, of course. And when the elves balked at traveling across the sea, I assumed a pleasing form and walked among them. Yes, I encouraged them to flee to the Uttermost West.

Why, you ask? Well first of all, I don’t need them. The new “Melkorized elves” we’ve been working on are coming along nicely. I’ve even invented a language for them, The Black Speech. In that tongue they call themselves “uruk.” But they’re not ready for prime time, yet. Soon.

Second, this is the perfect way to get my spies into Valinor. Right now, I have no idea what’s going on over there. And I fear I don’t have the power to pass through Valinor unheeded, not with those stupid trees radiating light everywhere.

I need to know what they did with Melkor. Is he a prisoner? Or was he banished from the world?

Or… did he “repent” and join with the Valar? I hate to even think it. When Carcharoth dared to suggest it, I clawed him to within an inch of his life. But secretly, I fear it’s a possibility.

Melkor begging forgiveness from The Dickless Prick — it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Then again, he could be cozening up to Manwë, planning to betray him later.

I have no way of knowing. These stupid elves need to travel faster, and get to Valinor already. Maybe I’ll set some wargs on their tail.

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: disgusted

I’ve managed to convert a couple of Elves to my cause, through threats, cajoling, and the terror of my eyes. I don’t get much info from them — it’s hard to get them to come out into the woods to worship me.

That’s right, I said worship. So what? I’m a freakin’ god. Of course mortals should should worship me — what else are they good for?

But Sauron, you might say, wasn’t it your own hatred of worshiping Eru that led you to leave the Timeless Halls in the first place? Yes, it was. But with Eru it was all about the worship. I’m a much more interesting god. I deserve worship — Eru never did.

Anyway, occasionally they come out to my hiding place in the wild to worship me and bring me news. I can understand their hesitation — the first time they visited me, I accidentally ate some of them. BTW, Elf really does taste like chicken.

So you won’t believe the news they brought me today. The filthy Valar have invited all the Elves to join them in Valinor. Seriously.

And not only that, but they expect the Elves to walk all the way across Eriador and Belariand. That’s like 6,000 miles or something. These guys are supposedly gods, and they can’t figure out a way to teleport the Elves to Valinor? I could manage it. At the very least, I’d get the stupid Eagles to carry them.

I had a hard time trying to figure out what the Valar are up to with this. Are they building an army? Do they need slaves? Do they covet the females? Then I realized — they want worshipers. And not just worshipers to live out in The World; they want someone to grovel right at their feet.

Disgusting. At least I would let the Elves live on their own, apart from some tithes and the occasional Elven sacrifice.

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: disgusted

Everything has turned to shit, and it’s Melkor’s fault.

There, I said it. Out loud. This is Melkor’s fault. He led us down here, into this tiny World, and all at once he lost control of it. Now Melkor is a prisoner of the Valar traitors, and I’m fucked.

The Valar stormed the gates of Utumno. Hundreds of loyal spirits, even a few of the balrogs, were destroyed, their fëa doomed to wander the world’s dark places as immaterial shadows until the end of time. Which is really distressing.

Most of us, the Hosts of Fire and Ice and Darkness and Death, fled or were scattered. Some sued for mercy and joined with the Valar and Maiar — and I will not be forgetting their names. Melkor himself was wrestled to the ground by Tulkas, and led to Valinor in chains.

I wasn’t there to see it. Because I fled.

You wanna call me a coward? Do it to my face. I will consume you. If I had stayed in Utumno, then I’d be in chains before the “throne” of Manwë the Dickless Prick right now.

Angband has fallen, but its foundations still stand. I dare not return there yet. I am hiding in the far East, keeping a low profile. But I will return.

Let Melkor rot in Valinor. If he can’t stand against the Valar, then he deserved what he gets. I am still free. I will rebuild Angband, and when my wrath is unleashed against the Valar, I will destroy them finally and utterly.

Crap. I can’t believe I’m all alone out here.

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: resigned

As you know, we just spent the last eon preparing for the third and final war against the stinking rebel Valar. Now one would think that with all this preparation, with all our forces rested, equipped and marshaled, with not one but two mighty fortresses, and with right on our side, we might have managed to hold off a surprise Valar assault.

Except we didn’t.

My spies tell me it was Oromë, an unrepentant drunk with an anger management problem, who discovered the Elves after we did. As you know, we invited a bunch of the little dipshits to Utumno, where they are undergoing improvements. But I guess some of the ingrate Elves complained to Oromë, who fled back to Manwë and told him we were being mean to the pointy-eared morons.

So Manwë finally grew a set of balls and the Valar marched out to attack. We met them in the northeast of Middle Earth, and the battle was fierce. I was almost destroyed, the Valar and their Maiar slaves fought so fiercely. They spent millennia ignoring Middle-Earth and hiding behind their mountains, but the moment some stupid elves get inconvenienced, the Valar come running? What the hell is up with that?

In the end, it was a rout, and we had to retreat to Utumno. The great walls of Utumno have held the Valar at bay for the moment, while we sit in the pit and nurse our wounds. Melkor sits in the Uttermost Depths, sulking. I really, really hate to admit it, but I’m beginning to think that maybe Melkor doesn’t always know what he’s doing.

Oh shit, the Valar just came over the tops of the walls. I gotta go.

Date: Before the Sun and Moon, but after the Count of Time began
My Mood Is: disgusted

I found the Elves!

Carcharoth was out in Middle Earth, trying to sniff out Valar spies, when he came across a group of strange creatures hanging out by a lake. He’d eaten several dozen of them before he realized he should probably report this news back to base.

Carcharoth came back to Angband with a few captives and presented them to me. They were weird, sickly little things, hairless apes with pointy ears and translucent skin. I’m the one who figured out they had to be the so-called “Children of Ilúvatar.”

I immediately reported to Utumno with the captives, and told Melkor that I had located the so-called “Elves.” He was thrilled. I gotta tell ya, I earned a lot of points that day.

After killing a few with the terror of his gaze, Melkor commanded me to start thinking about how we can exploit these “mortal” creatures. We can’t just have some race living in our Middle Earth without serving us. The first thing I want to do is redesign them — they have the stink of the Valar all over them. I want to hunch them over (for underground work), give them tusks (for fighting), and maybe toughen up their skin (it’s all soft and dewey right now). Also, I want to make up a language for them to speak. Right now they tend to sing in something that sounds like Finnish (whatever that is). They need a new name, too. I’ll think about it.

One of the female elves reminded me of Melian in her hominid form. I killed it.