Ladies — What Does Your Man’s Choice of Gaming Console Tell You About Him?

Originally published 11/6/07 on GGL Wire.

MSN’s “Dating & Personals” page features a guide for women — what does your man’s gaming console tell you about him? And one of the experts giving the answers is GGL’s own CEO, Ted Owen.

Read the original article here.

Ted’s excellent answers notwithstanding, I feel the need to share my own thoughts on what your videogame system says about you.

What does a PlayStation 3 reveal about a dude?

The PlayStation 3 man gets by on Daddy’s money and connections. He’s spoiled so his parents will buy him anything, from a Yale education and a National Guard deferment, to an overpriced console with few decent games. In bed, his PS3 affiliation suggests he will be selfish, self-involved, and have very, very small “equipment.” Women should avoid Sony fanboys at all costs. If you must date a PS3 owner, do not get him on the topic of consoles — he will never shut up about it.

What does a Wii tell a gal about her potential date?

That he is too young to be going out on a date. The target audiences for the Wii both poo their pants and dribble indiscriminately — I’m talking about young children and the elderly. If an adult male owns a Wii, it is for one of two reasons. If he owns a Wii to be ironic, then he may be perfectly intelligent and mature. Unfortunately, he probably also buys things like Tiki lamps and lawn flamingos, and has open credit at Archie McPhee. Also, he may be gay. The other species of adult male Wii owner thinks the Wii is a great system. This person is a loser, and possibly suffers from a developmental disability. Avoid.

And what does the Xbox divulge about its owner?

The Xbox 360 owner is just an average Joe, not too bright, not too stupid. He made the safe choice as far as console systems go — reasonable price, and a decent stock of worthwhile games. Don’t be fooled by his lackluster exterior — if you want to dominate and hurt a man who will just beg for more, the Xbox 360 owner is the bottom you’ve been looking for. He puts up with all kinds of crap from Microsoft, so he’ll probably be okay with your leather fetish.

But why stop there? Let’s keep going!

What about the man who owns a PSP?

Just like the PS3 owner, except he has an even smaller penis. And he’s going to try to make you watch Live Free & Die Hard on his PSP — don’t let him.

The Nintendo DS?

Owning a DS isn’t as inherently embarrassing as owning a Wii. If he occasionally whips it out in line at the supermarket (I mean the DS), that’s no problem. But if he’s so deep into Animal Crossing that he collects the friend codes of total strangers, you need to find a new guy.

An original Nintendo Entertainment System?

Yeah, you’re gonna be crawling in and out of the basement window of this guy’s house so his mom doesn’t find out you’re sleeping over. Don’t accidentally knock over his stack of Punisher comics signed by Gerry Conway on your way out.

A DreamCast?

Now this is the guy you can take home to mother. Intelligent, sophisticated, learned and wise — an all-around gentleman. He’s a keeper. And if you’re real nice, he’ll teach you to play Samba de Amigo.

Worst Year Ever: Videogaming’s 11 worst for 2007 (part 1)

Originally posted on GGL Wire 12/18/07.

Don’t make little Missy unhappy…

Okay, so it wasn’t the worst year ever in gaming. That was 2001. But a lot of stupid shit went down in 2007.

10. Yaris

This game sucks.

There were a number of terrible games this year, but the worst was probably the free Yaris game on Xbox Live Arcade. First of all, the game itself was just terrible. It got a 23% on gamerankings.com.

Second, it’s just a commercial for the Toyota Yaris. Well, it would be, if the Toyota Yaris ran on rails, collected power-ups, and had a “mechanosymbiotic” gun to shoot the mechanical spiders.

I challenge Toyota to find a single person who was inspired to purchase a Toyota Yaris because they played this game. On the other hand, I can name at least three people who would rather dig their own eyes out with a heated spoon and fill the sockets with lemon juice, than play this game again.

9. Maple Story Snail Commercial

This kid has snails. On his nipples.
Click to play.

You can cleanse your eyes by watching this Maple Story commercial from Korea. If that girl turns you on, you’re a pedophile.

Please notice neither commercial shows the game. Why try to hide the fact it’s a low-res side-scroller? People are going to find out when they try to play it.

8. “Lesbo”/”spastic” controversy in UK

You’re Super Spastic!

First, in June, a woman in Ireland complained that MindQuiz for the Nintendo DS contained the word “spastic.” In America, “spastic” is used as an insult to lob at stupid people. But in the UK, “spastic” was formerly used to refer to persons with Cerebral Palsy, and is considered insensitive.Then in October, complaints led Ubisoft to apologize for using the word “lesbo” in Scrabble 2007 for the DS. “Lesbo” is in the official Scrabble Dictionary, so it was included in the game.

If I lodged a formal complaint every time I was mildly offended, I’d – well, I would have lodged several formal complaints. I don’t really take offense at most things. I’m inured to everything up to, but not including, the “Goatse” level of offensiveness. Oversensitive people need to STFU. It’s an adult world, full of adults – act like it, people.

I should note that in neither case did the publisher pull the game, which is encouraging.

7. E for All

Joe Moss is upset about the prices.

For over a decade, the Electronic Entertainment Expo was the premier global videogame industry event, the first major convention devoted specifically to interactive entertainment. And in the gaming community, you were a perman00b until you got in to the exclusive show.

Then in 2006, the big three console giants decided they were sick of the expense of building giant pavilions and stocking them with nubile young booth babes. Thus was E3 slain, and the invite-only industry-only E3 Media & Business Summit took its place.

What were the legions of videogame fanboys and –girls to do? Enter E for All, the show meant to replace the consumer portion of E3. We all waited breathlessly for this last October; and gamers flew in from around the world to attend, paying as much as $90 for a four-day pass.

And what we got was a ginormous bag of SUCK.

With the WSVG dead and gone, 35% of the show floor was empty. And apart from Super Smash Bros. and RockBand, there was just nothing to see. There were too few big booths, and the smaller companies paid too much to hawk their wares to 18,000 bewildered, disappointed fans. As a gaming show, E for All didn’t even live up to the standards of a Comic-Con or Wizard World – neither of which are gaming shows.

Next year’s E for All is planned for the same weekend as the Penny Arcade Expo, proving that the E for All organizers have no intention of putting on a serious event. I dunno, maybe it’s a tax write-off or something.

6. Reviewgate, aka Gerstmanngate

Did I say 6.0? I meant 10 out of 10!

As of this writing, Reviewgate is a developing situation. But basically, Gamespot Editorial Director Jeff Gerstmann published a negative review of Kane & Lynch: Dead Men, giving the game 6 out of 10. Then Gerstmann got fired, supposedly because Gamespot advertiser Eidos was upset about the negative review.Analysis of the Gerstmann firing has even spread to the mainstream press, and I wrote an opinion piece about it myself. Can gamers trust the information they get from ad-based web sites? (Answer: sometimes.) Does the games industry have nothing but contempt for the gaming press? (Answer: yes.) Do game reviews really matter anyway? (For gamers, no; for the industry, yes, as meta-review scores are used as a metric for determining bonuses.)

What should have been a minor human resources issue for a gaming site has turned into a giant clusterfuck that will hurt Gamespot for some time to come. What this proves is that gamers were already suspicious of the relationship between games reviewers and publishers – and the second gamers sniffed evidence of collusion, they pounced. I hope the gaming media are paying attention.

Be sure to read part 2 — with extra-special SUCKAGE!