The best & worst of Comic-Con: a preview of GGN & GGL Wire coverage

Originally posted 7/19/07 on GGL.com.

Next Thursday through Saturday, the intrepid crews of the GGN and GGL Wire will descend on the San Diego Comic-Con International to hobnob with celebrities, get drunk, and occasionally file something online.Here are some of the events we’ll be checking out:

Thursday

11:00-12:00 Spike TV’s Scream Awards: Frak the Oscars!
Spike TV intends to honor horror, sci-fi, fantasy, and comic books with the Scream Awards. Did you ever notice that Spike TV is like the younger brother who wants to be cool, but doesn’t know what all the jargon means?

11:00-12:00 DVD Sneak Peak 2007
Exclusive footage from the upcoming Blade Runner: Directors Cut and Twin Peaks: The Complete Series. Spoiler alert: Deckard is a replicant; and the father Leland Palmer did it, although he was possessed by Killer Bob at the time.

11:30-12:30 Episodic Games and Comics: Made for Each Other
Previews of comics based on Sam & Max and Penny Arcade. You wouldn’t want to pay once for comic books, so why pay once for a videogame?

11:45-12:45 Richard Hatch: Battlestar Galactica Forum
Doesn’t this guy have a life?

12:30-1:30 Star Trek The Original Series: As You’ve Never Seen It
Features “star panelist” Rod Roddenberry. No really, it says that. Christ, if you can’t get Majel Barrett or Walter Koenig to show up at your Star Trek event, how lame are you?

1:00-2:00 Rosario Dawson: Occult Crimes Taskforce
Rosario Dawson has a comic series called Occult Crimes Taskforce. Who cares? It’s Rosario freakin’ Dawson! Mmmmmmmm sexy.

1:30-2:30 Blade Runner and More—Syd Mead
The guy whose design influenced every car made after 1990, will talk about working on Blade Runner, Tron, Star Trek: The Motion[less] Picture, Aliens, Wing Commander, private 747s, yachts, and of course cars.

1:30-3:30 Paramount Pictures
Previews of Neil Gaiman’s Beowulf and Stardust, Iron Man, Indiana Jones and the Onset of Senility, and the idiotic Star Trek prequel. But who cares – we’re going to this to meet JJ Abrams and Neil Gaiman. (Will Neil remember signing my Sandman comics at the 1990 Comic-Con? Probably!)

1:45-2:45 Stan Lee: True Believer
Finally, Stan Lee makes a public appearance! Yes, that is sarcasm. I was at Cold Stone Creamery last week, and Stan Lee asked if he could give me an autograph. I said, “Dammit, Stan I told you ‘no’ at Lenscrafters last week!”

2:00-3:00 LGBT New Creators
What’s a “Nubian?”

2:15-3:15 BBC America: Torchwood
I love Torchwood – I’ve downloaded every episode on BitTorrent. Like every other hardcore Torchwood fan, I’d love to meet stars John Barrowman, Eve Myles (teh HAWT!), Burn Gorman, Naoko Mori (also teh HAWT!) and Gareth David-Lloyd, along with creator Russell T Davies. Unfortunately, none of those people will be at Comic-Con. So we get Noel Clarke, who played Mickey Smith on Doctor Who until his character got permanently stranded on the Cyberman Earth. So, yay.

2:30-4:00 Sergio & Mark: Groo’s 25th
Sergio Aragonés’ Groo the Wanderer is 25 years old? Jesus Christ, how old does that make me?

2:45-3:45 Hanna Barbera Retrospective
A complete history of crap. “Yabba dabba doo” my ass.

3:00-4:00 Fletcher Hanks: The Ed Wood of Comics?
This guy was scary and awesome all wrapped into one – imagine a series of poorly-conceived but well-drawn superhero comics from the 40s, written by an insane fascist. That’s Fletcher Hanks, a long lost “talent” recently rediscovered by artist Paul Karasik. Check out the web site – some original comics are posted under Links. I first discovered this guy on Boing Boing, and he’s become my favorite mentally-disturbed dead cartoonist.

3:45-5:15 Lionsgate
Movie previews featuring Jessica Alba, some other people, and Jessica Alba.

5:15-6:45 Sony Pictures Imageworks: Spider-Man 3 Triple Play
The film’s effects team discusses how they took the most beloved superhero of all time and used the latest in computer animation to turn him into an excruciatingly dull Emo loser.

6:00-7:00 Living Long and Prospering: Celebrating 40 Years of Star Trek
Again, no one you’ve ever heard of. Not even Rod Roddenberry. Seriously, if you can’t get Marc Alaimo or Barbara Luna to come to your event, how lame are you?

6:00-7:00 FTW!: Breaking into the Video Game Industry
Good luck with that.

Friday

10:30-11:30 Meet the Writers of Shin-chan
“Why do I smell like nads, and why does my ass hurt?”
“Why do I smell like beer, and why does my fist hurt?”

10:30-11:30 Comics Arts Conference Session #5: Disguised as Clark Kent: Jews, Comics, and the Creation of the Superhero
Jews invented superhero comics. What did Arabs ever invent? Oh yeah, the Calculus.

10:30-12:00 Warner Bros.
Kate Beckinsale will be there – but believe it or not, that’s not the important part. The important part is director Zack Snyder, who will discuss the innumerable ways in which he will ruin the Watchmen movie.

12:30-1:30 Star Wars Day: LucasArts
I can only assume the panelists will dance over the grave of a murdered franchise, while George Lucas cackles gleefully in sun god robes atop a pyramid made of cash and Jar-Jar dolls.

1:00-2:00 Joel Silver: Return To House on Haunted Hill and Moonlight
Acclaimed producer Joel Silver (Matrix Trilogy, V for Vendetta, and of course Hudson Hawk) will gut a production assistant with a broken Snapple bottle after receiving a spec script with 1” brads instead of the 2¼” brads Silver demands.

2:00-3:15 Spotlight on Neil Gaiman
The British author will discuss why he is the greatest writer on the planet, and how we are not worthy to touch his trademark black leather jacket nor polish his sneakers.

3:15-4:45 Warner Bros. Home Video: 300 and Blade Runner: Final Cut
Dear Star Trek: Sorry to bother you as you try to round up the cocaine and hookers Rod Roddenberry requires to show up to an event. But I thought I’d show you how to really put on a panel: the Blade Runner event includes Ridley Scott, Sean Young, James Hong and Syd Mead. Hell, they probably told Harrison Ford he wasn’t needed because there weren’t enough seats. Also, Frank Miller and Lena Headly will discuss 300, the movie that invented computer-animated pecks.

3:30-4:30 WOW! It’s World of Warcraft!
Apparently, Blizzard is finally getting serious about spin-off comics and collectibles. There goes the rent money.

3:30-4:30 American Dad
Seth MacFarlane and the entire cast of American Dad will perform a live reading of a show script. If it were Family Guy, this would actually be cool.

4:30-6:00 So You Want to Be a Comic Book Retailer
Or, you could flush $50,000 down the toilet.

4:45-5:45 The Boondocks‘ Aaron McGruder
What’s a “Nubian?”

5:00-6:00 PC Gamer and Maximum PC: How to Play a Better Game, Part 2
Two guys from PC Gamer tell you how to win at FPSes. I hope Fatal1ty and Toxic have heard about this, they could probably use the help.

6:00-7:00 DC Nation
Representatives of the other comic book publisher will explain why their non-Vertigo titles suck so hard; and what is the deal with Matter-Eater Lad?

6:00-7:00 Babylon 5: The Lost Tales
Oh my god, they’re making a movie. Why can’t this thing just die???

6:15-7:45 Kevin Smith
The Single Coolest Human on Earth will give one of his famous Q&As, hopefully discussing his upcoming horror film Red State and sci-fi flick Ranger Danger and the Danger Rangers.

7:30-8:30 Klingon Lifestyle Presentation
Yeah, you read that right.

9:15-10:15 Worst Cartoons Ever!
I thought there was already a Hanna Barbara retrospective.

Saturday

10:00-11:15 Bionic Woman: Exclusive Pilot Screening and Q&A
This time, David “Battlestar Galactica” Eick is updating a good show from the 70s. It should rock. He’ll be there with sexy star Michelle Ryan and my dream woman, Katee (Starbuck’s not dead!) Sackhoff.

10:30-11:30 TOKYOPOP: Star Trek in Print: The New Golden Age
One word: Wheaton. Finally, a Trek panel with someone interesting on it.

10:30-11:30 Black Panel
What’s a “Nubian?” Okay, even I’m getting sick of this old, hoary Chasing Amy joke. EXCEPT I’M NOT!

10:45-12:00 The Simpsons
Four-hundred episodes in, Matt Groening and Yeardley Smith discuss finally jumping the shark. Oh, and there’s apparently a movie.

12:15-2:00 Rogue/Focus Studio
Liv Tyler, Rhona Mitra, and some movies no one cares about.

12:30-1:30 TOKYOPOP and the Jim Henson Company Present Legends of the Dark Crystal and Return to Labyrinth
Guess all the new ideas died with Henson.

1:30-2:30 Family Guy
Seth McFarlane is slated to talk about how funny the Star Wars-themed season premiere is going to be. Because talking about funny things is even better than the thing. Or something.

Still, Seth McFarlane is pretty funny. And Stewie as Darth Vader — that’s gotta be amusing.

2:15-3:15 The Ladies of Battlestar Galactica
SCI FI celebrates the women of Battlestar Galactica; Mary McDonnell, Katee Sackhoff and Tricia Helfer. But no Grace Park. WHERE THE HELL IS GRACE PARK???? Probably screwing her millionaire husband, ignoring all the presents I send her, and filing another restraining order.

3:30-4:30 Penny Arcade
Gabe and Tycho explain why only every fifth comic is funny.

3:30-4:30 Futurama
Matt Groening and the cast discuss the triumphant return of Futurama, and why Fox cancels all their best shows. Don’t care? Then you can bite my shiny metal ass!

4:15-5:15 Re\Visioned: Tomb Raider: A GameTap Exclusive Animated Series
A new Tomb Raider animated series wouldn’t be news, except it’s Warren “Transmetropolitan” Ellis and Peter “Aeon Flux” Chung. Oh, and it’s going to be “broadcast” on a lame web site that sells sold you video games you could get for free on emulator.

4:15-5:00 Marvel Studios
Edward Norton, Liv Tyler and William Hurt discuss the Incredible Hulk do-over; and Jon Favreau & Robert Downey Jr. screen footage from Iron Man, reportedly of Downey’s grippingly realistic portrayal of Tony Stark on a bender.

4:45-5:45 Dark Horse Presents: Joss Whedon
The creator of Firefly and some other stuff discusses his mind-blowing awesomeness.

5:15-6:30 The Sarah Connor Chronicles Screening and Q&A
Yes, there really will be a Terminator series on Fox. Super-hot stars Lena Headey and Summer “My name’s not ‘River’” Glau will warn you to watch it before Fox cancels it, makes it into a movie, and then brings it back.

5:30-8:00 Gays in Comics Panel and Mixer: The 20th Anniversary!
Nubians!

5:30-6:30 Robert A. Heinlein: Centennial Man
Esteemed fans of the Grand Master will try to figure out if Heinlein was, like, a fascist or a libertarian or a hippie or what?

5:45-7:00 Introducing The Film Crew: Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett
The three surviving cast members of Mystery Science Theater 3000 will sit in a room and allow it to fill with their pure, unadulterated greatness.

Sunday

I’m not going on Sunday. You’re on your own.

If you’re going to Comic-Con, look for me. I’ll either be wearing my Jayne from Firefly outfit, or trying to meet girls (they’re mutually exclusive). And a message to Grace Park – your restraining order didn’t mention convention centers!