In the late 1970s and early ’80s, British filmmaker Ridley Scott made two of the ten best — hell, two of the five best science fiction films of all time: 1979′s Alien and 1982′s Blade Runner.

In the intervening 30 years, Ridley (now Sir Ridley) made movies about giant-horned devils, suicidal feminists, lady SEALs, historically inaccurate gladiators, charming brain-eating serial killers, and homeless archers. But he did not make another science fiction film.

During those years, I always said I hoped Scott would return to sci-fi. And when I heard that Scott had decided to helm a sequel reboot remake prequel to Alien, I was absolutely thrilled.

Then I saw it.

Like the other films I’ve covered in this series (Battlefield Earth, Pluto Nash, The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951), Star Trek V, Alien³, and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull), Prometheus is not bad the way Plan 9 from Outer Space is bad. Prometheus is well produced, well shot, well designed, and as far as the script allows, well acted. But it is not well written. At all. And compared to what Prometheus could have and should have been, it is a very, very bad film.

This despite the fact that it stars Swedish/Icelandic actor Noomi Rapace, whom I like a lot; German Michael Fassbender, who gives a great performance; and the usually-reliable Charlize Theron who, despite a 17-year film career and an Academy Award™®© for Best Actress in a Film Where You’re Unrecognizable, I will always think of as Arrested Development’s Charlize Theron.

We’ll discuss what went wrong after my patent-pending Bitingly-Sarcastic Plot Synopsis. But first, I will admit that I am breaking one of my original rules for this blog series — I am reviewing two films in the same franchise (Prometheus & Alien³). I know I said I would not do that, but I broke this rule for two reasons; first, I really wanted to write about Prometheus, and second, this frees me up to write about Star Trek: The Motionless Picture.

Ridley Scott has tried to play coy about whether Prometheus is actually a prequel to Alien, but please. The film is chock full of direct visual and thematic references to the earlier film.

And now, my BITINGLY-SARCASTIC PLOT SYNOPSIS (spoilers ahead):

The camera swoops over Iceland. Iceland is cool. I just realized why saying that is mildly humorous.

Ooh, there’s a giant shadow! It must be a spaceship! Yes, a giant disk is floating in the air! Except giant things can’t really “hang in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t,” as Douglas Adams put it. But whatever. It’s science fiction trope. A tired science fiction trope, but who cares? It’s a Ridley Scott sci-fi movie!

We meet our alien, a muscular albino with Betazed eyes. Normally, this would piss me off – aliens are not going to look like deformed Caucasians – but in this case it’s okay, because these Engineers are supposed to be the progenitors of humankind. We look like them. Of course, this is another tired sci-fi trope, but hey, it’s a Ridley Scott movie!

Whitey McSteroid drinks goop from a bowl as his spaceship takes off. He writhes in pain as mysterious black crap starts tearing apart his DNA. His body crumbles and he falls into the water. Somehow, apparently, this creates humanity, although we don’t know that yet, so I don’t know why I’m telling you now. I guess because the next two hours are going to be confusing, and I want to keep things as straight as I can.

Ridley Scott!

Cut to the year 2089, according to the titles, although the characters are dressed exactly as they would be in 2012. Apparently, Patagonia’s not going to produce any new styles of winter wear for the next 77 years. Anyway, some archaeologist types are digging around in Scotland, which is over 800 miles from where Frosty O’Slammingbod killed himself with the goop, but okay. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (the real one, not the American one) and Some Actor Who Has Never Been In Anything You’ve Seen climb into a cave, where they come across a cave painting. Dragon Tattoo (fine, her character’s name is Shaw) has dated the painting as “thirty-five thousand years old, maybe older,” a number she seemingly pulled out of her otherwise admirable ass. They find a humanoid figure pointing at six dark splotches, which any reputable archaeologist would immediately recognize as a message from aliens. Like, duh!

Cut to 2093, where the scientific exploration vessel Prometheus is making noise in space. It’s not like that’s a tired trope or anything. Ridley Scott! The ship is 3.27×10¹⁴ kilometers from Earth, which is 34.5 light years for the Google-impaired. The only star at this distance is Iota Persei, so if you’re looking for LV-223, there ya go.

The only person awake on board Prometheus is David the Robot, who looks like a Eurotrash mannequin in a Buck Rogers helmet. We know he’s a robot because he walks like he has Sir Ridley’s two Golden Globes stuck up his artificial anus. David spies on the sleeping Shaw who, like all cryogenically frozen people in the future, is dressed in Leeloo’s thermal bandages from The Fifth Element. He uses his Buck Rogers helmet to spy on Shaw’s dream, in which her father, the younger Nite Owl from Watchmen, tells her childhood self about death. What is the significance of this dream? You will have to answer this question in the multiple choice quiz at the end of this film review.

David the Robot wanders around the ship, which is one of those massive, office-building-like, gravity-at-right-angles-to-the-force-of-acceleration spacecraft that will never exist in the real world because they make no sense at all, and are a tired sci-fi trope. (Although, to be fair, it’s been long established in the Alien franchise that spaceships work that way. It’s still tired, though.)

David plays basketball on a bicycle, which is supposed to telegraph to the corn-fed Tea Party mouth-breathers in the audience who haven’t figured it out yet that he is a robot, although I doubt this works. He eats food for some unexplained reason (although I guess Ash, Bishop, and Annalee did too, so okay) and watches videos to learn to speak the Proto-Indo-European language; although as a robot, he should really be able to absorb this material through Bluetooth, but whatever. (I studied PIE in college, so I understood that this is what was going on. Avis akv?sas ka, bitches!!!)

He also watches 1962′s Lawrence of Arabia, and apparently dyes his roots so he will look more like Peter O’Toole. What does this tell us about David’s character? You will have to explain this in the quiz at the end of this film review. Use the back of this page if you need more space.

Prometheus arrives at its destination, a moon orbiting a ringed gas giant. The moon is called LV-223, because the planet in the first two Alien films was called LV-426, and Sir Ridley wants all the fanboys in the audience to say, “ooh, I know what ‘LV’ means! This makes me feel special and loved and like I have a girlfriend!” This despite the fact that Alien franchise fans are just as likely to have a significant other as anyone else, excepting Twilight franchise fans, who are sad and alone and even their cats don’t love them.

All the other characters on the ship wake up. According to the titles there are supposed to be 17 of them, but a number of pedantic fan analyses on the Internet reveal there are actually 18, including David the Robot, but not including the Extra-Special Secret Character We’re Not Supposed to Know Is on the Ship. Perhaps the official crew manifest would not include David, because he is The Robot, and so a piece of equipment and not a member of the crew. But one wonders why the titles, which are not “in-universe” but put there by the screenwriter and director, would have such an anti-robot bias. Commander Data and Tom Servo demand answers, dammit!

The first person to wake up is Charlize Theron, who for unexplained reasons is soaking wet and doing push-ups. I don’t have any complaints about a soaking-wet Charlize Theron, I just want it to illuminate something about her character. This only illuminates something about my libido. Charlize Theron’s character has a name, but in this Bitingly Sarcastic Plot Synopsis, I am going to just call her Charlize Theron; because while there have been a number of films in which Charlize Theron gets lost in her role and you forget you are watching Charlize Theron, this is not one of them.

Everyone gets out of stasis and sits in the dining room drinking shakes, much as everyone did when they first woke up in Alien. For some reason, the ship’s computer describes what everyone is doing while they are doing it. I kept expecting Sigourney Weaver to show up, not as Ripley, but as her Galaxy Quest character, to repeat what the computer was saying.

It’s made clear at this point that the crew have never met each other, and must have been loaded onto Prometheus while still in status. This is weird. They didn’t train together, prepare for the mission together? Of course, the Sir Ridley could have “hung a lampshade” on this, maybe by having the characters mention how weird it was. He did not.

Charlize Theron shows the crew a holographic video from Peter Weyland (and the fanboys say “ooh! Weyland! Like Weyland-Yutani! I am so cool because I am familiar with Alien franchise trivia! Watching the extended Blu-Ray of Aliens 53 times was so worth it!”) Weland is played by the Guy from Memento (get it? Guy from Memento? Guy???) in truly, genuinely terrible old man makeup. I mean, old man makeup that is just inexcusable for a big-budget feature film made in 2012. Supposedly, there is a reason Guy Pierce played the role in old man makeup, instead of maybe one of Hollywood’s several actors who are actually elderly. According to Pierce, it is because young Weyland was supposed to appear in a dream sequence; but the scene was never shot. This does not explain why young Weyland and old Weyland aren’t played by different actors – it worked great in Looper.

The Weyland hologram introduces Shaw and the other archaeologist, Holloway, to the rest of the crew. Holloway uses a magic Rubik’s cube to show everyone holograms of various artifacts found on Earth. He feeds the crew a pile of warmed-over von Däniken shit about giant aliens leaving messages across various civilizations. Apparently, the six dark splotches in the cave painting can only be interpreted as a map of one particular star system (presumably Iota Persei). Sure. I mean, the filmmakers could have put some actual thought into it; maybe had the ancient petroglyphs contain a code that translates into a particular star’s spectral signature – I dunno, I’ve only been thinking about it for 30 seconds, and they developed this film for ten freaking years.

Ridley Scott!

Shaw reveals that the aliens, whom she has dubbed “Engineers” even though Alien fanboys have been calling them “Space Jockeys” or “Pilots” since 1979, created humanity. When asked to support this assertion, she replies that “it’s what I choose to believe.” How very scientific. Neil deGrasse Tyson would be so proud. This is the first time a supposed scientist acts like an idiot in Prometheus, but it is far from the last.

I don’t know, maybe she just watched the first three minutes of the movie. Anyway, Shaw and Holloway are invited to Inara’s Charlize Theron’s beautifully-appointed lifeboat. Charlize is in full-on Ice Queen mode, even though any tall, blonde actress in Hollywood can play an Ice Queen, so there was no need to waste Charlize Theron’s time. Shaw discovers Charlize’s Med-Pod™, which will figure prominently later. Charlize establishes that she is in fact in charge of the mission, and that Shaw and Holloway are not to make contact with Blondie von Curlandrip if they happen to stumble across him.

The ship has been beaming friendly messages toward the moon, and David the Robot has been teaching himself ancient languages, which Holloway is certain the aliens will speak (although not so certain that he bothered to learn any himself – an archaeologist who speaks ancient languages? That’s unpossible!) The Captain, who is played by That Guy They Say Might Be the First Black James Bond, orders the ship into the moon’s atmosphere.

Out of the entire surface of this entire huge moon, Prometheus manages to immediately stumble upon the correct valley containing the Engineer’s temple. Do they discover this structure through extensive surface scans? Weeks of overflights? An ancient alien map? Nope, Holloway happens to spot it out a window.

I’d like to point something out here, in my capacity as a former archaeology student. Black James Bond lands Prometheus right on the temple site, with no objections from Shaw or Holloway. The spaceship’s engines blow up huge clouds of rock and dust as it lands – the rock and dust from the single most important archaeological site ever discovered. Sure, Idris – land that thing anywhere.

Everyone suits up in their Buck Rogers space gear. I’m not complaining that it’s Buck Rogers space gear; it’s nice to see an unusual design for once. (The original Alien had creative spacesuits as well.) They set out in one nice big logical space SUV — and two small, neon-colored, inexplicable space dune buggies. The same space dune buggies that were used to such beautiful effect in the Citizen Kane of Star Trek films, 2002′s Nemesis. (In case you’re the kind of mouth breather who needed it explained that David the Robot was a robot, that last bit was sarcasm.)

Holloway asks if the giant, hemispherical, hollow temple structure up ahead with the wide, flat paved road leading straight up to it and a circular wall around it is “natural, or did somebody put it there?” Archaeology! Everyone walks right into the structure, because the future doesn’t have these.

This is when the British Geologist Who Is Crazy Although We Don’t Know Why launches his “pups,” levitating neon map-making bowling balls. These balls fly through the alien structure, mapping every room and corridor, and transmitting this map back to Prometheus. This is going to be very important later on, when British Geologist gets lost in the alien structure. That’s right, the guy with an advanced automated 21^st Century flying map-making system gets lost. I know that makes no sense at all, but that’s what happens.

I am not making this up.

Holloway notices that, unlike the air on the surface, the atmosphere in the alien temple is breathable by humans. So he takes off his helmet. The International Committee on Abject Stupidity in the Cinema, based out of Basel, Switzerland, has named this action the Dumbest Thing a Fictional Film Character Has Done in a Major Motion Picture since Qui-Gon Jinn invited Jar Jar Binks to hang out with the Jedi Scooby Gang. Do I really have to explain why?

Because he doesn’t know if there are deadly viruses or microbes in the air, that’s why!!! Idiot!!!

Well, at least nobody else – no, they all take off their helmets.

David the Robot finds some green CGI goop, on a wall-mounted control panel that the archaeologists completely fail to examine. Of course David touches and sniffs the goop, because that is how science is done. He also, somehow, we never learn how, figures out how to activate the control panel, and with it the temple’s full-immersion holographic system. It replays ancient events in the most convenient way possible – by forcing viewers to run around the ship chasing the holograms.

The holograms lead our protagonists to the corpse of an Engineer, which lost its head when a door closed on its neck. At this point, British Biologist demands to be allowed to return to the ship. Some Internet commentators have complained that no real scientist, even a geologist, would want to leave when presented with evidence of an alien civilization. I personally would not have had a problem with this, if there had eventually been some explanation of British Biologist’s decision, or if it had revealed something about his character.

No, what really, really bothers me is that she ship’s BIOLOGIST goes with him. Yes, a trained biologist, who traveled 35 light years and spent two years in suspended animation, is given the opportunity to be the first person to ever examine the body of an intelligent alien life form – and not only does he not do so, he decides to go back to the ship with the crazy geologist.

Ridley Scott!

David pulls a full-size ladder out of his ass, explaining his gait, and climbs up to look at a control panel, while Shaw and Holloway do their jobs and inspect the alien corpse. David opens the door, despite Shaw’s warning that they “don’t know what’s on the other side.” Well, that’s why you open the door, Dr. Shaw.

Inside they find two heads – the decapitated alien’s little head, and a giant stone humanoid head. The room is also filled with jars which, if you’re an Alien fan, you know is never a good sign. David discovers organic goo coming out of one of the jars, and bags the jar to bring it back to the ship.

The crew members on the Prometheus are surprised to learn that the valley is about to be overtaken by a storm. Just a few hours earlier they were in orbit around the planet, but now the weather is a surprise. Sure.

Shaw packs up the decapitated alien noggin, and she, Holloway, David and Linda Hunt from The Year of Living Dangerously head back to Prometheus in a forced action scene involving the dune buggies. They do not having a flying map machine, but they do not get lost.

British Geologist and The World’s Worst Biologist, who do have the map machine, get lost, as I promised. For some reason they blame Shaw and Holloway for getting lost, which, I mean, huh? They have to spend the night alone in the alien temple, and would have been fine, had they not done anything else stupid.

Shaw, David, Charlize Theron, Holloway (who is suddenly depressed for no reason and chugging liquor) and the ship’s Medic convene in the medical bay to examine the alien head. They figure out that the “Space Jockey” face is actually a helmet, and pull it off, revealing the head of Milky van der Huge. Shaw decides that by electrocuting the head, they can “trick the nervous system into thinking it’s still alive.” I don’t remember seeing that in Renfrew’s Archaeology.

The head explodes. Good work, Dr. Shaw.

Later, David is wearing his Buck Rogers helmet and calling someone in a stasis unit “sir.” Who could it be? WHO COULD IT BE??? If you don’t know, you probably voted for Ron Paul and think Snooki is “so talented.”

David then has an altercation with Charlize Theron in the hallway. I would let you in on the point of this encounter if I thought it had one.

The robot opens the jar he found in the temple, and finds big clear containers of the Black Oil from The X-Files. Meanwhile, Shaw examines the alien DNA with what appears to be a regular optical microscope, and discovers that the alien had human genes – or rather, that humans have alien genes. We already knew this, because we saw the first three minutes of the movie.

David goes to have a chat with Holloway who, if you will remember, has suddenly become a drunk depressive for no logical reason. Oh, but it seems Holloway is upset because there are no living Engineers in the temple, so he cannot live his dream of finding out the answer to the ultimate question of Life, the Universe and Everything (it’s “42”). So, let me try to get this – Holloway has been on LV-223 for less than a day. He has explored one room in one building, and found one alien corpse. And now he has given up completely, without exploring the rest of the temple, or examining the aliens’ holographic record, or looking at Shaw’s genetic results, or maybe even checking out the entire rest of the goddamn planet.

Ridley Scott!

David slips Holloway a Black Oil roofie, for reasons that will presently become clear. I’m just kidding, no they won’t.

Meanwhile, Beavis and Butthead are still lost inside the temple, and are examining a giant pile of dead Engineer corpses when Captain James Bond, back on board Prometheus, detects some kind of life form in the temple. How does he detect the life form? With the British Geologist’s flying map-making system, of course. He asks World’s Worst Biologist for the duo’s current location, which makes no sense, since their current location is being displayed in the holographic display right in front of him. At this point, Laurel and Hardy make the only intelligent decision anyone in this film ever makes, and move away from the life form. (Although any real biologist would want to move toward the life form, even if it were possibly dangerous.)

Shaw and Holloway have a chat in their stateroom, the practical upshot of which is that Shaw is infertile. Then they have sex, although we do not get to see any interesting bits of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

Captain James Bond and Charlize Theron have a bizarre conversation, in which the Captain comes on to Charlize, she shoots him down, he accuses her of being a robot, and she then changes her mind and decides to have sex with him. We do not get to see the sex scene, or any interesting bits of Charlize Theron. Or Idris Elba, if that’s your thing.

Freebie and the Bean end up back in the Head Chamber, where all the jars are now leaking black goo. They discover some kind of Penis Snake Creature swimming through the goo. Some commenters on the World Wide Web have complained that World’s Worst Biologist’s resulting enthusiastic treatment of the Penis Snake Creature makes no sense. This is true in that he’s been fleeing from every sign of alien life up until this point – and now he suddenly wants to do his job? But at least he’s acting like a scientist. You don’t think scientists get all excited by a living thing that promptly kills them? Ask Bindi Irwin about that.

Inevitably, because this is an Alien movie, the Penis Snake attacks the Biologist, wrapping around his arm and snapping it. British Geologist slices its head off, and gets molecular acid all over his helmet for his trouble. The thing grows a new head and climbs down the Biologist’s throat, while the Geologist gets melted helmet glass all over his face.

The next morning, Holloway notices a tiny alien worm crawling around in his eye. He immediately runs to the medical bay and informs everyone – except, of course, he doesn’t. Why would he, except that he’s a trained astronaut and it’s what anyone would do.

Everyone heads back out to the temple to look for Itchy and Scratchy – except David, who has his own sinister agenda, I guess? With Charlize Theron watching from the ship, David goes to a door that one of the flying map-makers found. Beyond the door he finds a giant chamber just jam-packed with goo jars. Beyond this is a control chamber containing four Engineers in suspended animation. (See, Holloway? Maybe you should try a door before you give up exploring.) David cuts the feed to Charlize Theron. If only there were some way she could see the room for herself, maybe by putting on a damn spacesuit and driving a dune buggy a quarter of a mile…

Everyone else is in the Head Chamber, where they have discovered all the leaking goo. No one puts their helmet back on, despite the fact that they don’t know what the goo does. They find the Geologist, who appears dead – and a snake creature bursts out of his throat! Meanwhile, Holloway has gotten sick, and Shaw wants to take him back to the ship.

Somehow David can operate the Engineers’ technology, which is controlled by a series of glowing silicon breast implants. The holograms come to life, and David learns that the alien spacecraft’s systems are controlled via flute. No really, a flute. The kind you blow into and make music with. A flute.

Ridley Scott!

There’s a cool scene with a gigantic CGI armillary sphere, which is very pretty but doesn’t answer any of our nagging questions. Then, one of the Engineers begins to wake up.

Everyone else arrives back at Prometheus to find Charlize Theron guarding the door with a flamethrower. (I’m pretty sure all spaceships have a flamethrower. Doesn’t the International Space Station have a flamethrower?) Guy, who is monstering-out into some kind of space zombie (that looks suspiciously like Old Man Guy Pierce – must be the same makeup guy), forces Charlize Theron to kill him. Shaw is very upset about this; it’s refreshing at this point to see someone other than Michael Fassbender actually acting.

Shaw wakes up in the medical bay, where David informs her that she is “pregnant.” What he means to say is that she “has a parasitic alien life form living in her lower abdomen,” but he decides to say “pregnant.” David is such a wag. Shaw freaks out, and David tries a tactic directly from the Carter Burke playbook, suggesting that Shaw go back into stasis so they can solve the issue back on Earth. Shaw is not down with this, so David drugs her.

Later, two crew members try to take Shaw to stasis – she whacks them both on the head with a giant wrench someone left lying around on the medical table, and takes off to Charlize Theron’s lifepod. She turns on the Med-Pod™, which informs Shaw that it is “calibrated for male patients only,” which makes no sense, but is supposed to be a clue that there’s someone else on the ship.

Shaw gets in anyway and gives herself a xeno-abortion. This is supposed to be a very intense, very graphic, and quite shocking scene – and I’m sure in 1979, or even 1989, it would have been. But after 30 years of David Cronenberg movies, well, I’m afraid we’ve seen all this before, Sir Ridley. Sorry.

Anyway, Shaw gets the Space Squid out of her belly (I liked the bit with the staples), and escapes.

Please note that Shaw will spend the rest of the film walking, running, climbing, and jumping with a major surgical incision and with her abdominal muscles cut. Because science.

At this point the dead corpse of British Engineer shows up at the ship, all zombied-out and acting like that kid in The Grudge. Was British Engineer ever exposed to the goo? I guess he could have been when he was dead in the Head Room, but we never saw this happen.

Let’s take a moment here to examine the Engineers’ Black Alien Goo Technology, shall we?

When black goo is spilled on the ground, it creates Penis Snake Creatures that burrow into your esophagus and kill you. When someone drinks black goo, it gives them eye worms and turns them into a Space Zombie. When someone female has sex with someone who drank black goo, they get “pregnant” with a Space Squid (even if they are infertile). When a corpse is introduced to black goo, it comes back to life.

I’d like to see that marketing meeting back on the Engineer home world. “Black Goo™! It’s multipurpose! If your interplanetary business concern is in need of large quantities of Penis Snakes, Space Squids, or Space Zombies, then Black Goo™ is for you! Looking for violent animated corpses? Give Black Goo™ a try! Leaky jars of Black Goo™ are ready to be shipped to your planet. Purchase Black Goo™ today!”

Shaw, stumbling and covered in blood, stumbles on a tremendous surprise, one worthy of M. Night Shyamalan back in the years when M. Night Shyamalan was making good movies (you know, 1999-2000). I know there is no way to have predicted this – we weren’t given any clues – but Old Man Guy Pierce is on the Prometheus! I know!

David reveals that Ghosty McLargeHuge is waking up in the temple, and he and Guy are off to see him. Turns out Weyland thinks the Engineers can provide him with immortality; which is a strange thing to think, since the temple is piled high with Engineer corpses.

Shaw insists that the Prometheus leave the moon. Now granted, we have had a bunch of deaths and a Space Squid pregnancy; and Shaw’s boyfriend looks like an overdone s’more. But I really don’t think, even after everything that has happened, that an archaeologist would want to actually leave. Perhaps some kind of “don’t touch the black goo, take your helmet off, or bring alien heads into the ship” policy could be instigated; then the temple could be explored in relative safety. Anyway, when Guy insists that they stay and try to discover answers, he actually sounds like the reasonable one.

Shaw pops some painkillers and suits up to follow Guy and David to the temple. Captain James Bond, who hasn’t bothered to have an actual opinion the whole movie, is suddenly convinced that the temple is a military installation, and the black goo is a “weapon of mass destruction.” I dunno, Idris – while I too fear the Penis Snake/Space Squid/Space Zombie-Industrial Complex, I don’t know that it rises to the level of nuclear bombs or weaponized ebola.

Charlize Theron visits Guy, and we learn to our shock, amazement, astonishment, astoundment, bewilderment, shock, stupefaction, and wonderment that she is his daughter! Gosh! This is such an important revelation, because… I got nothing. Although I must admit this scene gives Charlize an opportunity to actually emote for the first time in the film.

Guy, David, Shaw, and some redshirts head back to the temple and into the control room; while back on Prometheus, Captain James Bond figures out that the area the group is entering is actually a ship (the same kind of ship the Nostromo crew found in Alien! And the fanboys stain their pants!).

Somehow David has figured out that 2,000 years ago, when the Engineers on the ship were killed by… well, we never find out, they had been on the verge of visiting Earth, where they planned to use the black oil to destroy humanity. David leads Guy to the living Engineer, and uses his supernatural powers of knowing-how-alien-technology-works to bring the alien out of stasis.

Powder McHardPeck rises out of his sleeping pod and takes a look at the motley crew of humans, robots, and unconvincingly made-up old men standing around him. Shaw demands of the alien to know why the Engineers wanted to annihilate humanity – but Guy doesn’t care about that. He just wants learn the secret of immortality.

Davids speaks to the alien in Proto-Indo-European, because obviously this alien guy was hanging around in Neolithic Anatolia, right? Some people on the ‘Tubes have tried to work out what David says to the alien; I’ve got it narrowed down to three possibilities:

“This man is here because he does not want to die. He believes you can give him more life.”

or

“Can you recommend a better agent? I’m firing the guy who put me in this unholy mess. I was in Inglourious Basterds, verdammt noch mal!”

or

“Is Alien vs. Predator canonical?”

Whatever David says, Cracker von ManMuscle responds by ripping the robot’s head off and smacking Guy across the face with it. (Boy, the Alien franchise sure has a thing about ripping robot heads off – first Ash, then Bishop, now David.) While the alien kills everyone else, Shaw hoofs it. Guy Pierce dies; watching from the ship, Charlize Theron orders the ship to take off.

Pasty Beefcakestein climbs into a giant spaceship control doohickey, which looks exactly like the giant spaceship control doohickey the dead Space Jockey was sitting in from Alien. He starts up the Space Donut’s engines, which blow Shaw bodily out onto the surface.

A colossal dilating door over the Space Donut begins to open, and Shaw, who you will remember has an unhealed 15cm incision in her belly, deftly runs back toward Prometheus, leaping gracefully over the opening door’s segments.

Shaw warns Captain James Bond that if the Space Donut makes it to Earth, humanity will be destroyed. She knows that the Space Donut’s destination is Earth because… um… something David said, I guess?

The Captain orders Charlize Theron to get to the escape pod – he’s decided to kill himself by flying Prometheus into the Space Donut, based on something Shaw told him over the radio that she heard from David, who may or may not have known what he was talking about. This type of bravery and sacrifice is exactly what we’ve come to expect from such a rich and deeply drawn character. He orders his two bridge buddies to go with Charlize, but for absolutely no reason whatsoever they decide to stay with the Captain and die.

Charlize Theron ejects and safely reaches the surface, while the Captain flies Prometheus slam-bang into the Space Donut. The alien ship falls, and starts rolling along the moon’s surface like a hula hoop, directly towards Shaw and Charlize Theron. The two ladies start running – not left, not right, but in a straight line right ahead of the rolling Space Donut. Many Internet commenters have identified this as the Dumbest Thing in a Pretty Dumb Film, Prometheus’ “nuke the fridge” moment.

Shaw trips, but manages to somehow roll out of the way of the Space Donut; Charlize Theron gets squashed flatter than a pannekoek. (Because Charlize Theron is South African. Jesus, people, do I have to explain all the jokes?)

Shaw only has two minutes of oxygen remaining (why? She wasn’t in the temple that long!) so she heads to Charlize’s downed lifepod. She hears a noise, so she grabs an axe – doesn’t every spaceship have an axe? Peering into the Med-Pod™ chamber, she discovers that the adorable baby Space Squid she tried to abort has been getting on fine without Mommy. Indeed, it has grown to enormous size, despite the fact that there is nothing in the Med-Pod™ chamber for it to eat. (If you’ll remember, the newborn xenomorph in Alien pulled the same trick, growing to monstrous size before it had a chance to eat anyone.)

Shaw gets a Bluetooth call from David’s decapitated head, who warns her that Chalky O’Proteinshake survived the crash and is on his way. Just then the alien rushes in – Shaw screams “die!!!!” (no, really), and opens the door to the Med-Pod™ chamber. Her tentacled crotchfruit seizes the Engineer by the neck and starts making sweet, sweet squid love to him.

Leaping from the lifepod without ripping open her massive surgical wound, somehow, Shaw rolls to safety. The Space Squid opens its Lovecraftian maw (very nice creature design, quite impressive), and X-Ray McJackLaLanne gets an ovipositor rammed down his throat.

David raises Shaw on Skype, and informs her that there are other, working Space Donuts, a fact that he conveniently pulls out of his ass despite the fact that his ass is on the other side of the control chamber. She rejoins David, and informs him they will not be flying to Earth – they will be seeking out the Engineer homeworld, although why she’s expecting a better reception there is anyone’s guess.

Shaw and David fly off into the unknown, and we want two hours of our lives back.

But wait! There’s more! Pasty von NordicTrack is lying on the floor of the lifepod, writhing, his chest about to pop. Out of his tummy comes – well, it’s not the standard xenomorph, that’s for sure. It even has an umbilical cord and afterbirth, ewwww. Fanboys on the Internet call it the “Deacon,” I don’t know why.

It screams, even though in space, no one can hear it.

End of Bitingly Sarcastic Plot Synopsis.

Yikes.

Most online critics of Prometheus blame the screenplay; and they primarily point to writer Damon “Nash Bridges” Lindelof, who also wrote the disappointing Cowboys & Aliens. Wait, they’re letting this guy write Star Trek Into Darkness and Brad Bird’s Tomorrowland? Shit.

A lot of Internet commenters defend this film. The general gist of this defense is that Prometheus is neither incomprehensible nor badly written — it’s deep, see, full of mysteries and grand themes, and the only reason you don’t understand it is because you’re not smart enough.

This reminds me of Objectivists’ defense of Ayn Rand. It’s not that Rand’s ideas are childish, absurd, and vaguely reprehensible — it’s that you’re not smart enough to understand her! Yes, I just compared Prometheus to Atlas Shrugged. Deal with it.

If you are one of these people who thinks that Prometheus is the most intellectually challenging film since The Seventh Seal, I would like you to take the following quiz. Indeed, let’s all play along, and see how many questions we can answer. Show your work, keep your eyes on your own paper, you have 30 minutes starting now.

1. Why does the Engineer at the beginning of the film have to die to seed the Earth with alien DNA? Wouldn’t a tissue sample work just as well? Can you really “seed” a biosphere by pouring DNA into a waterfall?
2. How does Prometheus explore the theme of creation?  The Engineers create mankind, and mankind creates the Synthetics. Does the way David behaves towards humans echo the way humans behave toward the Engineers? It doesn’t? Well, shouldn’t it have? How about the other way around? No? Then what were Scott and Lindelof trying to say? Explain like I’m five.
3. Explain Charlize Theron’s character’s purpose in the story. No really, because I have no idea — she complains a lot and then gets smushed. Also, why is it significant that she is Weyland’s daughter? How does this tie into themes of creation? It doesn’t? Then what was the point?
4. David seems to have been acting under Weyland’s orders. So why does Weyland want Holloway infected with the black goo? Did he know what would happen? Weyland is terrified of his own death — wouldn’t performing unauthorized human experiments involving alien weapons of mass destruction, on the very same ship Weyland is on, place Weyland’s life in danger? What did Weyland and David learn from infecting Holloway? Nothing? Then what was the point? Also, if Weyland is afraid of dying, why does he go on a dangerous space mission? Why not stay in stasis on Earth, and wait for David to bring back the secret? Also also, why does Weyland keep his presence on Prometheus secret? What’s the point?
5. The Engineers build a military installation on a distant moon, staff it with lots of Engineers, and equip it with a bunch of alien spacecraft. Something goes wrong, a bunch of Engineers die, and the last one goes into hypersleep for 2,000 years. Wait, what? Where is the rest of the Engineer race? Why doesn’t a rescue party ever show up? Why don’t they at least recover the expensive spaceships? If it was so important that the black goo get to Earth, why didn’t anyone ever take it there?
6. How did David know how to operate all the alien technology? How did David know that the Engineers planned to use the black goo on humans? How did he know that the surviving alien planned to take the spaceship to Earth, rather than somewhere else, like his homeworld? Is basing major plot points on characters knowing things they couldn’t possibly know a statement on Western mores in a post-modern sociopolitical milieu, or is it just shitty writing?
7. Shaw, Holloway, and Weyland share one attribute: they all believe that the Engineers created humanity, and can therefore answer of all humanity’s fundamental questions about the meaning of life and the nature of the universe. Yet this belief is just a given — no one ever explains or defends it. Explain or defend the idea that if aliens exist, they must know all the answers to the uniquely human philosophical questions we all ask. What do you mean, you can’t? Do it anyway!
8. Apparently, Charlize Theron’s character and the Captain have sex. How does this development comment on modern sexual politics? It doesn’t? Then what does it tell us about the characters? Nothing? Then how does it propel the story forward? It doesn’t? Then explain why Charlize Theron and the Captain have sex. Also, explain why we don’t get to see it.
9. After his ship crashes, the awakened alien goes to the lifepod to try to kill Shaw. How does he know Shaw is there? And why does he care? Why doesn’t he just go to another ship and fly wherever he was going?
10. When the party from Prometheus first encounters the Head Chamber, the murals start dissolving and the jars start leaking goo. Why? It was established that the atmosphere in the temple was safe for humans (and presumably, Engineers). Was the atmosphere in the Head Room different? Why? Why didn’t the jars in the Cargo Hold leak when David breached that room? Wouldn’t jars designed to hold dangerous alien goo be designed to not leak? Nobody in the temple was expecting humans to show up, right?
11. In order to get anything approaching a xenomorph, you have to feed black goo to a human; that human has to have sex with a human female; that female has to give birth to a space squid; that squid has to impregnate an Engineer. So why was there a carving of a xenomorph in the Head Chamber?
12. What killed the Engineers, and why didn’t it show up on the holographic record? Or leave behind a corpse? When the last Engineer woke up, why wasn’t he concerned that there might be some kind of deadly creature around? Why wasn’t he prepared to run into the space squid? The Prometheus was full of weapons; what about the alien ship? Weren’t there any alien weapons, or armor?
13. Why would the Engineers leave behind clues on Earth that would lead a spacefaring humanity to their bioweapons testing facility; especially when, 2,000 years before humanity could develop spaceflight, they decided to destroy humanity anyway?
14. Are ancient-Earth-vising humanoid aliens with a scheme to destroy humanity, round alien spaceships stored underground, black alien goo, a sinister and secretive older man who runs a shadowy cabal, and a male-female pair of investigators a tribute to The X-Files, or just plagiarism? Describe the lawsuit you would file if you were Chris Carter.
15. What was the green goo that David found on the control panel? How does it relate to the black goo? Why is the Captain a fan of a musician from the 1960s? I’m not a fan of any musicians from the 1860s. When Shaw stumbles upon Weyland on Prometheus, why doesn’t anyone ask her why she’s naked and covered in blood with giant wound in her belly? What does the fact that Shaw’s father died of ebola tell us about her character? What does the fact that the alien’s head blew up tell us about the aliens? Why does the last Engineer just attack everyone, instead of first trying to find out why there are humans on his ship, or how long he has been asleep, or whether the dangerous creature that killed all the other Engineers is still around, or what the heck is going on? When a dead crew member shows up outside Prometheus looking like Pizza the Hut, why isn’t anyone alarmed? What does David’s Lawrence of Arabia obsession tell us about him? If Weyland thought his daughter wasn’t going to be coming on the mission, then how were the lavishly-appointed lifepod and Med-Pod going to be explained? Why would that console at the front of Prometheus’ bridge require its operator to stand? Why was the alien spaceship covered by a dilating door, when iris-style doors are really inefficient? If Prometheus’ ATV could detect that the temple was hollow, why couldn’t it detect the hollow space below the ground where the spaceship was hidden? Why was David able to go right to the door to the spaceship, but the two lost scientists never came across it? Why does the alien spacecraft’s piloting seat look like a giant gun? If Prometheus has artificial gravity, why does it need rockets to fly? If Shaw wants to locate the Engineer homeworld, why go there with only a homicidal robot for company? Why not go to Earth, get some help, and then go?
16. Some people on the Internet think Prometheus is some sort of “space Jesus” parable. Are these people crazy, or stupid? Defend your diagnosis.

Okay, pencils down.

Unfortunately, after years of waiting, we got another Ridley Scott science fiction film, and it kind of sucked. Apparently there is the possibility there will be a sequel to Prometheus; and yes, I will go see it, just like I’m going to go see Star Wars: Episode VII — I mean, it has to be better, right?

I think what this comes back to, though, is something I’ve said multiple times in multiple venues: leave old franchises alone. Let Alien die; let Star Trek die; let Indiana Jones die; let Star Wars die. I love all these franchises, but let’s get some new ideas, fresh characters, and original stories. Are you out of ideas, Hollywood? I have plenty. Email me.

Next time: Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979).

Disagree with me? (Sigh. Of course you do.) Leave your reasoned and non-trolly comment below!

So Wired.com has up a post called 100 Quotations Every Geek Should Know, which is really a list of 17 quotations every geek should know, some quotations every pop culture fan should know, and some stupid quotes no one should care about.

As someone who has been an actual geek for a very long time, I felt compelled to put together a better list. For the purposes of my list, I’m limiting the science-fiction, fantasy, horror, and various other sundry geek-related properties to one quote each. Otherwise half the list would be Monty Python, Star Wars and Douglas Adams.

But first, the 17 items that the Wired post got right — these are quotations you definitely should be familiar with if you’re a geek.

1. “Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.” — Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

2. ”I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” – 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

3. “With great power there must also come great responsibility.” – Amazing Fantasy #15 (1962)

4. ”…there’s a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing.” – Real Genius (1985)

5. “WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE” (God’s Final Message to His Creation), So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish (1984)

6. “Bill, strange things are afoot at the Circle K.” – Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989)

7. “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” (Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear), Dune (1965)

8. “Ray, if someone asks you if you’re a god, you say ’yes!‘” – Ghostbusters (1984)

9. “This episode was badly written!” – Galaxy Quest (1999)

10. “He’s dead, Jim.” – Star Trek (1966-1969)

11. ”Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.” – Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)

12. “Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!” – Planet of the Apes (1968)

13. “Klaatu barada nikto.” – The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)

14. “E.T. phone home.” – E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

15. “Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!” – Lost in Space (1965-1968)

16. “Kneel before Zod.” – Superman II (1980)

17. “Shall we play a game?” – WarGames (1983)

And now, the remainder of the ACTUAL 100 Quotations Every Geek Should Know, as compiled by Kunochan, the one person on Earth who would know:

18. “I’m a scientist, I don’t think, I observe!” – Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988-1999)

19. “Would you like a jelly baby?” – Doctor Who (1963-1989, 1995, 2005-present)

20. “Kaneda!” “Tetsuo!” – Akira (1988)

21. “May The Force be with you.” – Star Wars (1977)

22. “You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is ‘never get involved in a land war in Asia.’ But only slightly less well-known is this: ‘Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!” – The Princess Bride (1987)

23. “Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a $109.95. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?” – Army of Darkness (1992)

24. “And Kaylee, what the hell’s goin’ on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?” – Firefly (2002)

25. “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time… like tears in rain… Time to die.” – Blade Runner (1982)

26. “That’s it man, game over man, game over!” – Aliens (1986)

27. “By your command!” – Battlestar Galactica (1978-1979)

28. “I have a cunning plan…” – Black Adder (1983-1989)

29. “The Internet doesn’t weigh anything!” – The IT Crowd (2006-2010)

30. “There’s one thing I always wanted to ask Jack. Back in the old days. I wanted to know about that Doctor of his. The man who appears out of nowhere and saves the world; except sometimes he doesn’t. All those times in history where there was no sign of him. I wanted to know why not. But I don’t need to ask anymore. I know the answer now. Sometimes The Doctor must look at this planet and turn away in shame.” – Torchwood: Children of Earth (2011)

31. “It’s Dr. Evil, I didn’t spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called ‘mister,’ thank you very much.” – Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

32. “What have you done with his body???“ – Brazil (1985)

33. “Do-dee-do-doo-duh.” – Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)

34. “The universe is a pretty big place. If it’s just us, seems like an awful waste of space.” – Contact (1985)

35. “I am Torgo. I take care of the place while The Master is away.” – Manos The Hands Of Fate (1966)

36. “Gum? … Oh, these guys, they were fakes. You’re a pure soul. You have nothing to worry about… But you did not say ‘God bless you’ when I sneezed.” – Dogma (1999)

37. “Everyone’s special, Dash.” “Which is another way of saying no one is.” – The Incredibles (2004)

38. “Come on! Show a little backbone, will ya!” – Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

39. “Be afraid. Be very afraid.” – The Fly (1986)

40. “Do not try and bend the spoon. That’s impossible. Instead… only try to realize the truth.” “What truth?” “There is no spoon.” – The Matrix (1999) 

41. “What’s that watermelon doing there?” “I’ll tell you later.” – The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension (1984)

42. “We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!!!“ – Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)

43. “In a comic, you know how you can tell who the arch-villain’s going to be? He’s the exact opposite of the hero, and most time’s they’re friends, like you and me. I should’ve known way back when. You know why, David? Because of the kids. They called me Mr. Glass!” – Unbreakable (2000)

44. “Give a guy a gun, he thinks he’s Superman. Give him two and he thinks he’s God.” – Hard Boiled (1992)

45. “Stage lights flashing / The feeling’s smashing / My heart and soul belong to you / And I’m here now, singing / All bells are ringing / My dream has finally come true! / Stage fright, go away / This is my big day / This is my time to be a star! / And the thrill that I feel / It’s really unreal / I can’t believe I’ve come this far! / This is my time to be a star!” – Robotech (1985)

46. “The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn’t home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That’s when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He’d been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus.” – Gremlins (1984)

47. “They’re here.” – Poltergeist (1982)

48. “Deserves it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.” – The Fellowship of the Ring (1954)

49. “‘Do it?’ Dan, I’m not a Republic Serial villain. Do you seriously think I’d explain my master-stroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I did it thirty-five minutes ago.” – Watchmen (1986-1987)

50. “If I cannot inspire love, I will cause fear!” – Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus (1818)

51. “‘God” was their name for the hypothetical biggest-alpha-male-of-all. Being primates, they could not comprehend how anything could run if there weren’t an alpha male in charge of it.” – The Universe Next Door (1979)

52. “That is not dead which can eternal lie, / And with strange aeons even death may die.” – “The Nameless City” (1921)

53. “I’ll be back.” – The Terminator (1984)

54. “The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel.” – Neuromancer (1984)

55. “Yet across the gulf of space, minds that are to our minds as ours are to those of the beasts that perish, intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, regarded this earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.” – The War of the Worlds (1898)

56. “You want me to fight? I have, I am – with all my strength. But I can’t forget that I killed an entire world - five billion people - as casually, as unthinkingly, as you would crumple a piece of paper. I want no more deaths on my conscience. Your way, I’d have to stay completely in control of myself every second of every day for the rest of my immortal life. If even one more person dies at my hands… It’s better this way. Quick. Clean. Final. I love you, Scott. A part of me will always be with you.” – X-Men #137 (1980)

57. “For the Horde!” – World of Warcraft (2004-present)

58. “Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you’re stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there’s nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there’s a peanut butter cup or an English toffee. But they’re gone too fast and the taste is… fleeting. So, you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you’re desperate enough to eat those, all you got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers.” – The X-Files (1993-2002)

59. “Oh boy.” – Quantum Leap (1989-1993)

60. “Through the darkness of future’s past, the magician longs to see / One chants out between two worlds… ‘Fire… walk with me.’” – Twin Peaks (1990-1991)

61. “Somebody set up us the bomb.” “Main screen turn on.” “All your base are belong to us. You have no chance to survive make your time.” “Move ‘ZIG’. For great justice.” – Zero Wing (1991)

62: “It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.” – Zork I: The Great Underground Empire (1980)

63: “Do not grieve. Soon I shall be one with the matrix.” – The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

64. “Mrs. Peel, we’re needed.” – The Avengers (1961-1969)

65. “Leeloo Dallas multipass.” – The Fifth Element (1997)

66. “We have randomly selected weapons to put in your kits, so you might get lucky, and you might not… This one is super lucky!” – Battle Royale (2000)

67. “The human whose name is written in this note shall die.” – Death Note (2009)

68. “You can have my gun, when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.” “Your proposal is acceptable.” – Men in Black (1997)

69. “Welcome to Earth!” – Independence Day (1996)

70. “Why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?” “Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?” – Donnie Darko (2001)

71. “There’s that word again. ‘Heavy.’ Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the Earth’s gravitational pull?” – Back to the Future (1985)

72: “Who run Bartertown? Who… run… Bartertown?” “You know who.” “Say.” “Master Blaster.” “Say loud!” “Master Blaster.” “Master Blaster… what?” “Master Blaster runs Bartertown.” – Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)

73. “This is Edison Carter, coming to you live and direct, on Network 23.” – Max Headroom (1985)

74. “Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada.” – The Last Starfighter (1984)

75. “Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive.” “Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster.” – The Six Million Dollar Man (1974–1978)

76. “Smeg!” – Red Dwarf (1988-1999, 2009-2012)

77. “You’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That’s the signpost up ahead – your next stop, the Twilight Zone!” – The Twilight Zone (1959-1964)

78. “You are utterly the stupidest, most self-centered, appallingest excuse for an anthropomorphic personification in this or any other plane!” – Sandman #8 (1988)

79. ”I want some more.” – Interview with the Vampire (1994)

80. “This should be agony. I should be a mass of aching muscle — broken, spent, unable to move. And, were I an older man, I surely would… But I’m a man of 30 – of 20 again. The rain on my chest is a baptism. I’m born again.” – Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (1986)

81. “If I were creating the world I wouldn’t mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o’clock, Day One!” – Time Bandits (1981)

82. “Darling no baka!” – Urusei Yatsura (1981-1986)

83. “THANK YOU MARIO! BUT OUR PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE!” – Super Mario Bros. (1985)

84. “Robert Neville looked out over the new people of the earth. He knew he did not belong to them; he knew that, like the vampires, he was anathema and black terror to be destroyed. And, abruptly, the concept came, amusing to him even in his pain. … Full circle. A new terror born in death, a new superstition entering the unassailable fortress of forever. I am legend.” – I Am Legend (1954)

85. “Once upon a time when the world was young there was a Martian named Smith.” – Stranger in a Strange Land (1961)

86. “I am the law!” – “Judge Dredd,” 2000AD (1977-present)

87. “Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.” – Beetlejuice (1988)

88. “There can be only one!” – Highlander (1986)

89. “1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. 2. A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. 3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.” – “Runaround” (1942)

90. “I’d buy that for a dollar!” – Robocop (1987)

91. “Why so serious?” – The Dark Knight (2008)

92. “Wizard needs food badly. Wizard is about to die.” – Gauntlet (1985)

93. “My hotel’s as clean as an Elven arse!” – Baldur’s Gate (1998)

94. “Get up, so I can kill you again!” – Halo: Combat Evolved (2001)

95. “It’s people. Soylent Green is made out of people.” – Soylent Green (1973)

96. “En taro Adun.” StarCraft (1998)

97. “Do you see this writing…? Do you know what it means…? Hospitality. And you can’t piss on hospitality! I won’t allow it!“ – Troll 2 (1990)

98. “WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.” – Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949)

99. “Biddi-biddi-biddi.” – Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (1979-1981)

100. “Join the Mobile Infantry and save the galaxy. Service guarantees citizenship. Would you like to know more?” – Starship Troopers (1997)

Did I miss something? No, I didn’t. But feel free to post your suggestions in the comments! And please, no Twilight quotes. Geeks don’t care about Twilight.

The World Congress on Insulin Resistance, Diabetes and Cardiovascular Disease (WCIRDC) is a unique and exciting multidisciplinary program, to be held this year in Los Angeles, California. The Congress is the premiere global meeting dedicated to obesity, diabetes, metabolism and energy balance, linking research to clinical practice, and highlighting our theme — exploring new frontiers in metabolism — tomorrow’s clinical science today.

Since its inception, the Congress has become a home to clinical and basic scientists, researchers and practicing clinicians. The distinguished global faculty, combined with the Congress’ unique bench-to-bedside approach, has culminated in a state-of-the-art program. The expert and creative faculty promotes a new understanding of metabolic diseases; facilitates the development of future therapeutic modalities; and has been the cornerstone of the success of the Congress.

In recent years, there has evolved significant awareness of the contribution of multiple systems to energy metabolism, obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease (CVD); notably incretins, gut hormones, and the brain. Dr. Gerald Reaven’s pioneering work crystallized the relationship of insulin resistance to these conditions, and various cancers. Of particular interest is the complicated interrelationship of nutrients, the gut, fat cell, insulin, leptin, and their respective resistance states, along with circadian rhythm, sleep disturbances, and the neuroendocrine system. The WCIRDC has become a distinguished platform where the interaction of these multiple metabolic systems is evaluated in a clinical, multidisciplinary environment. Ultimately the Congress focuses on innovative approaches to developing a comprehensive plan for managing risk factors and diseases, which include lifestyle and medications.

This year will introduce new aspects of bone, fat, leptin and adiponectin, as well as mitochondria and related proteins, to metabolic impairment in human disease.

New this year – all sessions will be followed by a panel discussion, and a clinical implications commentary by recognized experts. The Congress will conclude with a special symposium, “Diabetes and the Heart.” The 10th WCIRDC welcomes the annual meeting of the American Heart Association (AHA) to Los Angeles, which begins as our Congress ends.

WCIRDC Program Objectives

The program is designed to evaluate both clinical and basic science aspects of obesity, diabetes, and CVD, focusing on insulin resistance, hyperinsulinemia, fat cell, adipokines, the gut, the brain, and energy metabolism. The goal is to understand pathophysiology, and develop appropriate comprehensive clinical management plans.

Upon completion of this meeting, participants should be able to:

• Understand the comprehensive approach to the treatment of obesity, hypertension, and dyslipidemia and the prevention of CVD, including nutrition management.
• Explain the role of IR and hyperinsulinemia in CVD, liver disease, PCOS, congestive heart failure (CHF), and the development of certain cancers.
• Understand the potential role of the peroxisome proliferator-activated receptors (PPAR) in lipid abnormalities, the endothelium, and vascular pathology.
• Discuss the role of the mitochondria and their related proteins, in particular humanin, in metabolic abnormalities, aging, and the development of plaques and atherosclerosis.
• Understand the interaction between fat, bone, and glucose, and its potential relationship to IR and diabetes.
• Understand the sortillin pathway as a target for reducing low-density lipoprotein (LDL) and CVD risk.
• Recognize the role of the hyperstimulated beta-cell in obese adolescents, as a prelude to diabetes.
• Be aware of calcium scoring as a predictor and potential follow-up of CVD in cardiometabolic syndrome and diabetes.
• Describe the impact of chronic kidney disease (CKD) on cardiometabolic risk and CVD.
• Understand the role of the gut-brain dopamine axis, taste and visual stimulus in Reward Deficiency Syndrome (RDS), leading to overeating and obesity.
• Relate the potential relationship of IR to circadian rhythm, sleep disorders, the brain, incretin hormones and metabolic disorders.
• Educate the participants about the effects of incretins on diabetes, obesity and effects beyond glucose homeostasis.

TARGET AUDIENCE: This course is designed for endocrinologists, cardiologists, gastroenterologists, oncologists, internists, diabetologists, OBGYNs, pediatricians, dieticians, nurses, registered nurses, and any health care professional who is interested in insulin resistance and the interaction of multiple metabolic mechanisms, and the effect on health and society, as well as in potential treatment and prevention.

This is a series of posts discussing ten existing science fiction properties (from literature, animation, games and comics) that could serve as the basis for ground-breaking live-action VFX films and television shows. This time: Jean “Moebius” Giraud’s 1976 graphic novel

For an explanation of the choices for this list, see the first entry.

Number 7 of 10: The Airtight Garage (US title, comic, 1976), aka Le Garage Hermétique de Jerry Cornelius, Le Garage Hermétique de Lewis Carnelian

In the Before Time, in the Long Long ago, in the late 1970s and 1980s, some movie execs decided it might be a good idea to make a few big-budget effects-heavy comic book movies. So we had two classic films based on DC Comics characters. The first was Richard Donner’s 1978 Superman, a hammy cheese-fest that nonetheless managed to charm the audience, largely via Gene Hackman’s movie-saving charisma and Christopher Reeve’s unshakable determination to play a ridiculous character as seriously as possible. On the other hand, the producers spent literally one-third of the $60 million budget to hire Marlon Brando in a cameo; and Margo Kidder gave a performance as Lois Lane that should have tipped off any competent psychiatrist that she was suffering from bipolar disorder and needed help.

The other was Tim Burton’s 1989 Batman, the first superhero film ever to capture the comic book fanboy’s love for the source material (in this case the uncredited Batman: The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller (1986), but that’s a fanboy rant for another blog post). Burton, following Miller’s lead, showed mainstream audiences that comic books can be dark, intellectual, weird, artistic and funny. And Jack Nicholson was a thespian ruminant, chewing the scenery and then chewing it again.

Over time, Hollywood gave us films of all the superheroes the mainstream public, unfamiliar with comic books, would surely recognize; after a steadily declining series of Superman and Batman films, we had Marvel’s Spider-Man and The Hulk. Then the studios churned out films based on properties familiar to comic book fans but new to the general public; The X-Men, Iron Man, Hellboy, Blade, and The Fantastic Four amongst the box office successes; Howard the Duck, Judge Dredd, Mystery Men, The Punisher, Catwoman, Elektra, and Daredevil amongst the rest.

The next phase – comic book movies that weren’t about superheroes. Some were still science fiction or fantasy – 300, 30 Days of Night, Constantine, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Others took place in the real world — Art School Confidential, From Hell, Ghost World, A History of Violence. But now the comic book world was completely wide open to film and TV adaptation – stories didn’t have to feature Warren Ellis’ “underwear perverts.”

This was good news, because those comic book titles that are the most visually striking are usually not hero titles. Of course there have been great artists working in that medium, from Jack Kirby and Will Eisner back in caveman times to… I dunno, I stopped regularly reading superhero comics when they brought Jean Grey back from the dead in 1986. Yes, I am a grumpy old man. I like J. Scott Campbell, Kevin O’Neill and Howard Chaykin, off the top of my head.

For this series I have chosen an artist who has never worked in the traditional hero genre (except once, briefly), but made his name drawing Western serials in France. His art has influenced generations of artists and production designers, but has never been used as the basis for an entire film.

Jean Giraud became a working artist at age 18, in Paris in 1956. His most famous Western comic book, Blueberry, ran from 1962 to 1974 and earned Giraud his face on a French postage stamp. But he is best known in America for his science fiction and fantasy stories and art, done under the pen name “Moebius.”

In 1974, Moebius and three others founded the seminal adult comics magazine Métal Hurlant; an American version was launched in 1977 called Heavy Metal, which is accidentally displayed in bookstores’ music sections to this day.

One segment of the 1981 Canadian animated anthology film Heavy Metal, containing stories from the magazine, was “Taarna,” inspired by Moebius’ “Arzach” fantasy stories; but the art style was not based on his. (This is the segment parodied in the 2008 South Park episode “Major Boobage.”)

He contributed to several feature film projects. The most notable were Alejandro Jodorowsky’s aborted 1976 project to bring Frank Herbert’s novel Dune to the screen as a ten-hour feature, with Moebius and Alien artist HR Giger doing original production art; and Luc Besson’s 1997 The Fifth Element, perhaps the only live action film in which Moebius’ elements (the Mondoshawan ships, the Flying Noodle Boat) appear recognizably as he designed them. Other films on which Moebius worked: Alien (1979), Blade Runner (1982, uncredited), Tron (1982), Masters of the Universe (1987), Willow (1988) and The Abyss (1989).

His most famous creation is a bizarre, stream-of-consciousness science-fantasy graphic novel originally called Le Garage Hermétique de Jerry Cornelius, released in the US as The Airtight Garage by Marvel under the Epic Comics imprint. The Airtight Garage was written, drawn and colored by Moebius, four pages at a time, as a game with himself to introduce irreconcilable plot strands in each segment, and then reconcile them later. As a result, the “story” does not exist as such, at least not until the final 15 pages, which were drawn all at once to bring the tale to a conclusion that parodies superhero comics and leaves the reader with more questions than answers.

In rough outline, the Hermetic Garage of the title is a large asteroid containing a much larger artificial world on the inside (“hermetic” in this case is used to mean both “airtight” and “esoteric”). The Garage was created by Major Grubert, an immortal human from Earth who is locked in ceaseless battle against another immortal, Lewis Carnelian. Eventually, these mortal enemies must join forces to prevent the destruction of the Hermetic Garage by an evil alien known as The Bakalite.

Nearly every panel of the comic contains characters, images, references, jokes and invented words that hint at entire worlds, civilizations and conspiracies just beyond the frame’s edge. Hardly anything is explained, not even the backgrounds or motivations of the two main antagonists.

An animated feature adaptation of The Airtight Garage, to be produced by legendary Japanese filmmaker Kurosawa Akira (!!!) and directed by Otomo Katsuhiro of Akira (1988) fame, fell through in the mid-1990s.

So why on Earth would you use The Airtight Garage as the basis for a big-budget, live action VFX film? Three reasons.

First, the non sequitur storyline provides a blank slate for the filmmakers, who are free to fill in the blanks however they wish; or, a la JJ Abrams, just leave the blanks blank. The Airtight Garage provides a firm skeleton on which to hang a dramatic sci-fi high adventure with a good dollop of comedy.

Second, The Airtight Garage is a cult classic with a large fan base. In 1999 the Metreon shopping mall in San Francisco opened with an Airtight Garage-themed attraction, which was hugely popular until the mall was shut down in 2007 (probably a Bakalite trick!).

And third, Moebius’ artwork is beautiful, original, and unique. Many artists and filmmakers are inspired by him, but no one has produced an entire feature film that takes place in a Moebius universe. At one time, his vision could only have been realized through traditional animation, whether one was the director of The Seven Samurai or not. But with modern VFX, that has changed.

The mind-bending, multidimensional layout of the three levels of the Hermetic Garage; its vast alien vistas and retro-futuristic architecture; Grubert’s trusty starship, the Ciguri; the Star Billiard, a colossal green humanoid robot that the Ciguri crew uses as an exploratory vehicle; the bizarre lifeforms of the Garage, such as the pink riding animals called Melvils – all of these could come to life.

And not only would Moebius’ actual drawings provide inspiration for artists – I think that the incomplete nature of The Airtight Garage would give CG and VFX professionals an unprecedented world-building opportunity.

Jean Giraud is 72 years old, and hopefully has many years ahead of him, thanks to French cuisine and Socialized medicine. But it would be nice to finally produce an Airtight Garage adaptation that he would be alive to enjoy.

Previous: Wings of Honnêamise (anime, 1987); Erma Felna EDF (comic, 1983-2005); Appleseed (comic, 1985-89)

Next: Warhammer 40,000 game franchise (1987-present)

See a set of The Airtight Garage art on Flickr.

This is a series of posts discussing ten existing science fiction properties (from literature, animation, games and comics) that could serve as the basis for ground-breaking live-action VFX films and television shows. This time: Shirow Masamune’s manga and anime franchise Appleseed.

For an explanation of the choices for this list, see the first entry.

Number 8 of 10: Appleseed (manga: 1985-89; anime: 1988, 2004, 2007)

If there’s one thing modern CG can render with absolute realism, it’s hardware. From modern consumer automobiles, commercial aircraft and military vehicles to futuristic robots, mecha and spacecraft, VFX artists have mastered the art of heavy gear, from 1984’s The Last Starfighter to last year’s Avatar.

But the military hardware, vehicles and spacecraft in modern VFX movies and television shows and video games do not show as much creative variety as one might expect, given the nearly boundless flexibility of CG. Spacecraft usually look much like the USS Sulaco from 1986’s Aliens, which itself isn’t terribly original. The “APUs” in Avatar are nearly identical to the battlemechs from the BattleTech franchise, themselves inspired by anime mecha. And any time you see a BFG (Big “Effin’” Gun) or any other large military prop in a sci-fi film, TV show or video game, it seems to come from the same prop house or 3D model library as all the others.

This isn’t necessarily because production designers and VFX artists are lazy or unoriginal – there are creative and production concerns. If a giant futuristic space blaster looks exactly like what the audience expects a giant futuristic space blaster to look like, a filmmaker need not waste time explaining what it is. The same goes for spaceships – film-goers unfamiliar with sci-fi (are there any of those left?) might be confused by the giant, spherical spaceship at the end of the 2008 remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still (they were already confused by the plot); but will instantly recognize the alien ship in 2009’s District 9, given its resemblance to the bastard love child of the giant saucers from Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) and Independence Day (1996).

Furthermore, the use of preexisting assets can save a production a great deal of money; and looking to previous films, shows and games for inspiration can save time and effort. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Artists make artistic choices, referencing other artists for storytelling purposes. When director David Twohy introduced the evil Necromonger religious zealots in 2004’s The Chronicles of Riddick, their ships and armor intentionally referenced those of similar sci-fi characters in 1984’s Dune and the Warhammer 40,000 franchise. Likewise, the iconic city-destroying giant saucers in Independence Day are so recognizable because they are based on the nearly-identical ships in the 1980s TV miniseries V.

And finally, so many of these hardware designs resemble each other because of common science fiction tropes that artists often are not even aware they are perpetuating. I have already gone into this in detail elsewhere. But a few that apply here include: spacecraft designed according to a nautical paradigm, or to resemble an office building; the idea that while every other technological advance makes devices smaller, military technology will just get bigger and bigger – today’s hardware on steroids; and that human spaceships should be blocky and covered in devices, while alien ships are biologically-inspired and spiky.

So how can VFX artists and production designers break out of the sci-fi hardware design rut? Allow me to make one very specific suggestion. Dig into your manga collection (admit it, you have one), and pull out the collected works of Shirow Masamune.

One of the most popular and talented mangaka to see his work adapted during the anime renaissance of the 1980s, Shirow is known for many things – his trademark character design, bizarre humor, complex cyberpunk storylines, and (especially recently) ribald eroticism (NSFW). But he is best known for his hardware; aircraft, armored vehicles, military and police gear, and mecha; and two concepts he in particular created and popularized, the biological robot “bioroid,” and the child-like intelligent robot tanks, the “Fuchikoma.”

The best thing about Shirow’s hardware design is that it doesn’t look like anyone else’s. Indeed, Shirow’s designs have not been widely copied in the anime and manga world, precisely because the plagiarism would be so obvious. His vehicles and weapons have a decidedly biological inspiration; but this is tempered with the sensibility of a serious mechanical, industrial and military engineer.

Every detail of a Shirow creation serves a particular purpose. If an object transforms, then each of its pieces would genuinely fit together. If the device is a vehicle, then an operator would actually fit inside. He draws cut-away schematics of many of his creations, to prove they are thought-out and fully realized. Just as a realistic portrayal and a deep backstory make an audience care more for a human character, so the same principle can be applied to production design to make the viewer care about a world. James Cameron accomplished this in Avatar, and Shirow does the same with his futuristic environments.

For the purposes of a live-action CGI film, I propose an adaptation of Shirow’s 1985-89 manga Appleseed. This might surprise most Shirow fans, who would expect me to choose his most popular creation, the dark cyberpunk manga, film, television, toy and game franchise Ghost in the Shell, which stars the sexy cyborg police Major Kusanagi Motoko and the lovable Fuchikoma.

Appleseed, on the other hand, was Shirow’s first major success, a post-apocalyptic love story set in a utopian city-state. Deunan Knute, a sexy ex-LAPD SWAT member and Landmate (military exoskeleton) pilot, is in love with her partner, Briareos Hecatonchires, a faceless cyborg who has lost most of his original body to military replacement parts, but has not given up his soul or his love for Deunan. Together they roam the ruins of Los Angeles until they are recruited to police Olympus, a hyper-advanced city populated by bioroids.

Shirow’s Major Kusanagi is a bioroid, and her story explores the typical cyberpunk themes of human identity and machine consciousness. But for the most part, she looks human – she would be portrayed by an actress (Angelina Jolie, probably) with a bit of occasional digital makeup.

But Appleseed’s Briareos would be a challenge for VFX artists – a fully thinking, feeling, and emotional character without a human face. He’s the ultimate hardware as a character. And his relationship with Deunan (Charlize Theron?), and her acceptance of him in his inhuman form, is key to the story.

It should be noted that much of the preliminary work for a live-action VFX adaptation of Appleseed has already been done, for Aramaki Shinji’s 2004 and 2007 CG animated films Appleseed and Appleseed EX Machina. The Appleseed universe was 3D modeled for these films, although the final animation was cel-shaded. But they serve as a proof-of-concept that Shirow’s unique and compelling take on the world of the future could serve as the foundation for a successful movie experience.

Previous: Wings of Honnêamise (anime, 1987); Erma Felna EDF (comic, 1983-2005)
Next: The Airtight Garage (comic, 1976-80)

See a set of Appleseed art on Flickr.

Here are some links to the Best of Periannath.com (so far).

Film Reviews:

UGLY ELVES & INFLATABLE ORCS: RANKIN/BASS’ 1977 ‘THE HOBBIT’ REVIEWED

ROTO-ORCS & INVINCIBLE DOORS: RALPH BAKSHI’S 1978 ‘JRR TOLKIEN’S THE LORD OF THE RINGS’ REVIEWED

GLOW-IN-THE-DARK HOBBITS & HOMOPHOBIC FRODOS: RANKIN BASS’ 1980 “THE RETURN OF THE KING” REVIEWED

Humor:

BILBO BAGGINS IMAGE MACROS

GUILLERMO DEL TORO’S ‘THE HOBBIT,’ COMPOSED ENTIRELY OF SCREENCAPS FROM ‘THE LORD OF THE RINGS’

IF TOM BOMBADIL HAD APPEARED IN PETER JACKSON’S ‘THE LORD OF THE RINGS’

IF GLORFINDEL HAD APPEARED IN PETER JACKSON’S ‘THE LORD OF THE RINGS’

IF LOTR HAD BEEN WRITTEN BY A GAME DEVELOPER

Also, here are all the installments of Tolkien 101.

And be sure to read Sauron’s Blog!

This is a series of posts discussing ten existing science fiction properties (from literature, animation, games and comics) that could serve as the basis for ground-breaking live-action VFX films and television shows. This time: the furry animal sci-fi comic Erma Felna EDF.

For an explanation of the choices for this list, see the first entry.

Number 9 of 10: Erma Felna EDF (comic, 1983-2005)

It took a few decades, but computer graphics engineers have mastered the modeling and rendering of hair and fur. This has allowed a tremendous level of sophistication in CG animals that are realistic (the giant ape in 2005’s King Kong), cartoonish (the new CG Chipmunks films), and somewhere in-between (Aslan the Lion from the Chronicles of Narnia adaptations).

But little has yet been done in the realm of anthropomorphics, what is sometimes referred to as “funny animal” or “furry” animation and comics. These are usually representations of characters with animal heads and other bestial characteristics, but humanoid (“anthropomorphic”) bodies, intelligence and the ability to speak. Such furry characters may or may not wear clothes; may live in their own “furry” world, or in the real world with humans; and may have their own animal-based culture. Such creatures appear in children’s literature (Beatrice Potter’s 1902 The Tale of Peter Rabbit; Kenneth Grahame’s 1908 The Wind in the Willows) and in adult stories (Art Spiegelman’s Maus: A Survivor’s Tale (1980-91); Kirsten Bakis’ 1997 Lives of the Monster Dogs).

Although highly popular in comics and traditional 2D animation (Warner Bros characters such as Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck; Disney’s 1973 Robin Hood (1973) and TaleSpin (1990-91)), the only professional example of 3D furry animation I could find with a quick Google search was this French soft drink commercial (may not be safe for conservative workplaces).

Indeed, furry anthropomorphics have a bad reputation with those in the mainstream culture who are even familiar with the notion, thanks to news reports and crime procedural dramas that paint all furry fans as sexual deviants. I won’t go into that controversy here (see Wikipedia), only to say that while there is some small truth to the allegations, most enthusiasts in furry fandom just enjoy the characters and art, and don’t have any involvement with the erotic material.

Furry anthropomorphic characters offer a unique challenge to visual effects artists. Can a balance be found and maintained between cartoonish animal CG characters, like the feature film Scooby Doo, and realistically-rendered characters like Narnia’s Aslan? There is an old idea, its truth debated by my (admittedly odd) friends growing up, that if the charismatic and roguishly adorable Bugs Bunny were to suddenly appear in the real world – if those enormous eyes were made of real sclera and ocular jelly, if a cunicular body were stretched out to those freakish proportions, if those begloved four-fingered paws were groping at you – you would run away screaming in absolute terror. Is there a funny-animal version of the Uncanny Valley?

So what funny animal comic have I chosen as the best example of a property that could today be turned into an amazing live-action TV show or feature film? There are rumors of a live-action CGI remake of Don Bluth’s brilliant 1982 animated feature The Secret of NIMH. But my choice is Steve Gallacci’s 1983-2005 space combat epic Erma Felna EDF.

The serial was the main feature of Albedo Anthropomorphics, a furry comic book anthology for adult audiences, which Gallacci edited. Erma Felna EDF was a hard sci-fi war and political drama focusing on the personal and professional crises of the eponymous character, an anthropomorphic female cat and a Tactical Aerospace Commander in the the Extraplanetary Defense Force, or EDF.

No, really. Despite the funny animal angle, Erma Felna EDF was a serious science fiction drama. As “hard” sci-fi, its space travel science and military technology were very well worked-out and explained by Gallacci, a former technical illustrator for the US Air Force. In fact, I was quite impressed by Gallacci’s to-my-knowledge unique take on space combat, which combined real-world physics with some logical conclusions drawn from theories of faster-than-light travel.

And the story, while not without its share of action and suspense scenes, centered largely on politics, both military and interpersonal. A brief synopsis: Cdr. Felna, daughter of a war hero, is part of the EDF, which defends the Confederation against the Republic, a xenophobic polity run by rabbits. Wounded in battle against the Republicans, Felna is sent to the planet Ekosiak, to help train the local military. Seen as a symbol of Confederate meddling, she nonetheless is drawn into putting down a local uprising. Now seen as a hero herself, Felna is sent to the Ahahn-Tako system for PR purposes, and survives an assassination attempt that cripples her spacecraft. During the rescue attempt, an alien spacecraft is discovered, revealing secrets that may reveal the origins of all civilization.

Why is Erma Felna EDF a furry animal comic at all? Probably because that’s what Gallacci wanted to draw. But honestly, while Erma Felna EDF is well written, without the furry angle it would not stand out much from all the other hard sci-fi I have read over the years. The disconnect between the serious hard science fiction and adult literary drama on the one hand, and the funny animals on the other, emphasizes each aspect. It seems like a gimmick, until you read it.

So what about Erma Felna: The Motion Picture? (Actually, fans usually remember the comic by the name of the magazine – so it might be Albedo: The Motion Picture.) Not many hard sci-fi space-based films or TV shows get made. Avatar had a strong hard sci-fi component; on TV we have had FOX’s Space: Above and Beyond(1995-96) and Firefly (2002), as well as the Sci Fi Channel’s Battlestar Galactica (2003-09). The furry animal angle might be what a well-written space epic needs to spur interest in general audiences, who may buy a ticket or tune in out of curiosity, and stay for the compelling story and characterization.

But can it be done? A 3D rendered Erma Felna has to be realistic enough to fit into her high-tech, futuristic and militaristic universe. She has to be human enough to convey complex emotion; but she can’t look like a talking cat from a cat food commercial. She has to be charismatic and sexy, without creeping out the audience. And she can’t be so realistic that she looks like a deformed monster cat.

It’s quite a challenge for any animation and rendering team. (Add to this the rest of the Erma Felna universe, full of anthropomorphic rabbits, dogs, birds, foxes, hamsters and countless other critters.) If it could be done, and the creative problems could be solved, Erma Felna: The Motion Picture would be unlike anything made to-date.

Post-script: It’s not traditionally anthropomorphic or sci-fi, but a “live-action” CG remake of Watership Down could be a disaster, or it could be brilliant, depending on how it was done.

Previous: Wings of Honnêamise (anime, 1987)
Next: Shirow Masamune’s Appleseed (manga, 1985-89)

See a set of Erma Felna EDF scans on Flickr.

More info: Furry fandom and Albedo Anthropomorphics on Wikipedia.

This is a series of posts discussing ten existing science fiction properties (from literature, animation, games and comics) that could serve as the basis for ground-breaking live-action VFX films and television shows. First up: the 1987 anime feature film The Wings of Honnêamise.

In the 1980s and 90s, effects-centered films and television shows occupied specific niches. In film, an effects-heavy movie like Ghostbusters or Terminator 2: Judgment Day was a summer tentpole release designed to reel in teen audiences of repeat viewers; while a show like Star Trek: The Next Generation, with its $2.5 million an episode budget, was a risky experiment in capitalizing on 1960s nostalgia.

Today, most movies rely heavily on VFX, many of those effects invisible. Greenscreen sets and set extensions, digital makeup, and post-production fixes for on-set mistakes are just a few applications of digital technology used in films and TV shows that the average viewer might think had no effects whatsoever.

But audiences still want “effects-heavy” films, from The Matrix and The Lord of the Rings trilogies at the turn of the millennium to the Iron Man films and Avatar today. And for the first time in TV history, shows from Firefly and Battlestar Galactica to V and Human Target are recreating the experience of effects-heavy, action-oriented movies on the small screen.

Two factors have led to this renaissance in effects-driven entertainment. First, technological advances have made it cheaper and cheaper to create top-quality effects. And second, those same advances have made it possible to realistically render visions that were never possible before. Today’s VFX artists can create worlds that just ten years ago producers would have said could only be represented with traditional animation. Rumor said James Cameron abandoned his Spider-Man film project because he was dissatisfied with the realism of the character’s CG web-slinging. Can you imagine the director of Avatar having such a concern today?

But how can science fiction filmmakers best take advantage of this new artistic freedom? Some recent films have impressed with their ability to create amazing sci-fi realms and alternate worlds – The Lord of the Rings, King Kong, I Am Legend, Watchmen, 2009’s Star Trek. Others have been less successful, despite the potential of their source material. The skill and creativity of the VFX artists and technicians is not in question. World creation is a specific variety of visual art; and even the most talented VFX artists can’t create an amazing, immersive experience unless that imaginary world is original, vibrant and complete.

There is a large number of existing science fiction properties that could give film and television creators all the material they need to produce visual epics of a type as yet unseen on screen. The Internet is full of lists of sci-fi classics that would make great movies – this list concentrates solely on properties that would provide the most inspiration to VFX artists. Character and plot are secondary (but not irrelevant) considerations. These are ideas for films that would engender in today’s jaded audiences the same kind of excitement we experienced when a Star Wars or a Raiders of the Lost Ark first premiered.

Over the next few weeks, I will cover my top ten choices, from number 10 through number one. Of course, I must be familiar with a book, comic or other property in order to write about it. Originally I considered both sci-fi and fantasy; but in the end, my top ten choices were all sci-fi. If you have any favorites I missed, please talk about them in the comments.

Royal Space Force: The Wings of Honnêamise (dir. Yamaga Hiroyuki, 1987)

Back when Wings of Honnêamise first hit the US anime fan circuit, when we sat in dark basement rooms watching unsubbed anime while poring over fan translation printouts off of Usenet, few American otaku thought the film was any good. I was one of a tiny minority who agreed with the Japanese critics, that it was one of the best movies of the year, and perhaps the best anime feature yet made.

Today, when you can buy manga at Barnes & Noble and Naruto is a household word, Wings of Honnêamise is almost forgotten except among anime aficionados, many of whom lament the film’s lack of giant transforming robots and sex-obsessed middle-schoolers. The US DVD release in 2000 (upon which I relied to provide screenshots) was made from a terrible print; get the 2007 Blu-ray version and watch this film. I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

Wings of Honnêamise takes place on a parallel Earth where modern technology and global culture began in the East rather than the West, in an alternative version of Japan and Southeast Asia. The hero, Shiro (based on actor Treat Williams), is part of his nation’s unheralded, underfunded and comically deadly space program, which exists only as a ploy to lure another, alternate-Western nation into a war. Shiro falls for a pretty religious zealot named Riquinni (based on Tatum O’Neal), and in an effort to impress her, volunteers to be the first man in space.

Unlike many Asian and European films, Wings of Honnêamise adheres to a three-act structure; but its mood is unusually flat, which may be what put off American audiences. The characters, especially the two leads, are so thoroughly crushed by the pointlessness of their lives that even their epiphanies feel listless. And Shiro’s violent attempt to consummate his relationship with Riquinni does not play as well with Western audiences as it did in Japan.

But all this moodiness and moral malaise pays off at the climax, when Shiro’s dangerous and soul-changing flight into orbit (imagine if Apollo 11 had launched during a full-on Soviet invasion of Kennedy Space Center) successfully ignites in the viewer all the hope and excitement for the future we felt back when America’s space program really meant something.

Wings of Honnêamise makes this list because of its justifiably famous and influential (in anime) production design. When brand-new production company Gainax (later the creators of the immensely popular Neon Genesis Evangelion) decided to make an alternate-reality film, they really dedicated themselves to an alternate reality, with an impressively obsessive attention to detail not seen since Blade Runner. And while Ridley Scott was limited by budgetary and practical constraints, the artists at Gainax were hindered only by their imaginations.

Everything in the world of the film – the architecture, technology, costumes, calligraphy, urban design, food, utensils, doorknobs, windowsills, every single incidental detail – is carefully crafted as part of a unified, original cultural continuum that is inspired by, but different from, East Asian culture. (The alternate-Western culture, worked out with far less effort, is humorously based in medieval European iconography, like a modern society evolving directly out of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.) The vehicles – automobiles, motorcycles, bicycles, and a few that are harder to categorize – are different, yet familiar. The aircraft fly “backward,” with their propellers on the rear instead of the nose; but they seem to conform to the same laws of aeronautics as on our world.

Assuming the events in Wings take place at a point in its world’s history roughly contemporaneous with our Yuri Gagarin, and it seems they do, then many aspects of that world’s technology are a few decades behind ours, but not all. Yet their machines are not cross-decade Steampunk chimera like the parody technology of Terry Gilliam’s Brazil; the devices are consistent, both internally and with each other, and seem to make sense, having developed out of the same technological and scientific tradition.

Some science fiction films make the mistake of portraying technology that is too consistent. Watch 2001: A Space Odyssey and you might believe that all technology in that distant future year was produced by a single designer working for a single company. The archaic computers, inverted telephones, and beautifully-crafted train ticket dispensers of the nation of Honnêamise seem related, but not the same; they come from the same culture, but not the same place within that culture. The viewer doesn’t necessarily notice this, unless they obsessively examine the film as I have, but it registers in the back of the brain as realism. All the puzzle-pieces fit together, seamlessly; and as in The Lord of the Rings or Avatar, they create a strong sense of a single, genuine reality that beckons to the viewer, who wants to leap through the screen and explore.

Interestingly, director Yamaga eschews wide vistas and establishing shots; the details of Honnêamise are presented through medium shots, and in the background of two-shots. The world of Wings of Honnêamise is a real world of real people, so we learn about it through the experience of those people. Not only is the sense of reality heightened, but viewer’s lizard brain screams out zoom out! Back up! I want to see!

When Wings of Honnêamise was released in the 1980s, it was impossible to shoot it in live action; Roger Ebert basically said as much in his review of the film. The cost of the costumes, sets and backlot stages, miniatures, special effects, and the countless props, would have been absurdly prohibitive; as it was, Wings was one of the most expensive animated features made to date. But today? With virtual sets and greenscreen set extensions? The success of a live-action remake would be measured not in budgetary considerations, but in the artistic freedom, courage and devotion of the filmmakers and artists.

Next: Erma Felna EDF (comic, 1983-2005)

See a set of Wings of Honnêamise screencaps and production art on Flickr.

See the “Earl and Tiger” spot on Nike Golf’s official YouTube channel, or on the Zoic Studios site.

There is no need at this late date for a simple VFX blog to recount the recent events in the professional and private lives of golfer Tiger Woods. But as Woods attempts to resume his career, both as an athlete and as a corporate spokesperson, he and sponsor Nike, along with ad agency Wieden+Kennedy, production company Pretty Bird and Zoic Studios, have created a moving, personal and risky 30-second commercial spot. Zoic has worked with Wieden+Kennedy on several spots of late, particularly the ESPN NASCAR campaign out of New York, and Coke NASCAR and now Nike out of Portland.

The spot was unveiled April 7th, and discussion of the commercial has spread across the Internet and the media, as fans and pundits argue over how the spot will affect the career of the most famous golfer in history. Entitled “Earl and Tiger,” the spot features a close-up of Woods standing on a golf course, listening to words spoken by his late father Earl Woods, who passed away in 2006. The spot was shot on black & white film with a gritty realism, complete with dust, grain, developer streaks and an authentic roll-out at the end.

Zoic Studios’ creative director Les Ekker discusses Zoic’s involvement in the creation of the spot. “We were approached on a Tuesday for a bid,” Ekker says, “and I ended up flying out to Orlando that afternoon (in record time!).

“On Wednesday we spent the whole day rehearsing, because we would only have Tiger for one hour on Friday morning. The shot would be done with both a steadicam and a technocrane.” Max Malkin (Nailed) directed the spot, and acted as director of photography as well.

“On Friday, Tiger came in from 8-9 am. We used black & white stock, and switched at the last minute to one with a slower film speed and finer grain structure. It was important to the director that the spot convey authenticity and honesty, and visual effects were added in post to restore and enhance these qualities. In fact, the shot of Tiger that was eventually chosen for the final spot (in record time!) was the final roll-out take that didn’t even have the complete camera move that was rehearsed. But the director, Nike and Tiger himself loved it and felt this take best complemented the sincerity of the message.

“Tiger was shot against a white screen with tracking markers, to make things cleaner for roto. But the screen couldn’t completely cover the background because of the angle of the sun. We did a super-fast turnaround on the roto, and extracted a 3D track of the selected take (in record time!).

“We created a multi-plane background matte painting, inspired by the sliver of actual background glimpsed in the selected take. After the background design was approved (in record time!), we rendered the multi-plane to the camera. The matte painting included some subtle animation, like twinkling reflections on the water.

“The original negative had a lot of dirt and streaks in the white areas from the developer bath, and we reproduced these in the composite and matched the original grain quality. Then we added some sun glare over Tiger and degraded the image slightly, all of which were added to match the authenticity of the original film. This was done to support the goal of the spot, to create a sense of ‘powerful humble sincerity.’

“In the end, we turned around the spot in three days – the take was chosen on a Thursday, and we delivered the final spot the next Monday morning (in record time!).

“We worked very closely with the creative director, Hal Curtis, to ensure all of his detailed visual goals were achieved. Wieden+Kennedy, Joint Editorial and Zoic worked in tight coordination with a uniformly focused sense of purpose, and that made the job a real pleasure, despite having to do it ‘in record time!’”

The freelance VFX producer who was brought on to run the project, Karin Joy, has extensive feature film experience, most recently on The Forbidden Kingdom and Michael Jackson’s This Is It. Les worked with Joy at Boss Films in the late 1980s, and says it was fun to be reunited with her on this project.

Zoic Studios worked with the advertising agency, Wieden+Kennedy and Joint Editorial, and Ekker, along with Zoic commercial executive producer Erik Press, say that both firms were utterly professional, and dedicated to producing an important, meaningful and controversial spot that is of great importance to both Nike and to Tiger Woods.

More info: See the “Earl and Tiger” spot.

Based loosely on the DC comic series of the same name, Human Target is an action-drama starring Mark Valley (Boston Legal) as security expert Christopher Chance, with Chi McBride (Boston Public) and Jackie Earle Haley (Watchmen). It airs Wednesdays at 8pm on FOX.

Zoic Studios provided a number of visual effects shots for the series, including for the pilot episode. Zoic creative director Andrew Orloff discusses the studio’s work on Human Target.

“The question is, how do you do a super-sized action movie every week?” Orloff asks. The answer? Invisible effects, stunt enhancement, special effects and pyro enhancement. “There are all kinds of things, from a bullet train, to a HALO jump, to a large passenger airplane flying upside down in a storm, to a fight on a gondola suspended above a ravine. There are a lot of explosions – exploding boats, exploding trains, exploding buildings, and large set pieces.”

The largest set piece Zoic did was for the pilot episode, which took place almost entirely on a bullet train. Since America doesn’t have bullet trains, the team created the train station and landing. Both the 3D train and the landing were designed and created at Zoic.

“When [the characters] get on the train, what they are really stepping into is a greenscreen with a hole in it,” Orloff explains. “Then when they are on the train, the outside we see through the windows is a plate, which we shot via helicopter.

“We flew out to central California from Van Nuys airport; and flew at low altitude over the train tracks, making multiple passes going forward and back, and side-to-side. We used those helicopter plates to make exteriors to be seen from the windows inside the train.

“We also shot a ton of aerial establishing shots, which was a fun thing to do. We planned out the helicopter day by going on Google Earth and identifying where all the train tracks are. It was supposed to be a bullet train from San Francisco to Los Angeles, so we were looking at the tracks around San Luis Obispo, and the ones a little more inland towards Tehachapi. We plotted out the course, and got our passes. Those were tracked in 3D, and the 3D train was put in on top of them.”

Another episode features a scene in which a CG passenger jet, flying through a storm, flips all the way over and then back again. “We couldn’t use any existing model of a passenger jet for legal reasons,” Orloff says. “So we had to take an existing jet model, modify it, and change up the existing engine configuration so it was more generic.

“We did a dozen shots of the plane at night, in clouds, with rain and lightning strikes, flipping over and right side up again, with smoke trailing back from it.” The production built a full-sized cockpit mock-up on a greenscreen stage, which could be rotated 360-degrees and upside down. This greenscreen footage was integrated into the CG airplane shots.

One episode portrayed a HALO jump. “It was interesting and challenging – we shot the main character on greenscreen, and added a whole aerial background, where we see clouds behind him. We enhanced the wind blowing in his face, and created a CG parachute that opens up and floats to the ground.”

Other VFX for Human Target are less spectacular, but just as important to creating the world of the show. In his review of the pilot episode, USA Today reviewer Robert Bianco wrote that the “confined-spaces fight on the train is a miniature marvel of its kind.” Orloff says there have been several confined gunfights on the show, and that it’s not safe to shoot with blanks in such tight quarters. As a result, Zoic creates and enhances muzzle flashes for the gunfight scenes, even for an underwater gunfight.

There were also a lot of set extensions. “There’s a big show where they escape from a building by climbing around in the ventilation and elevator shafts,” Orloff says, “and those were all shot on small set pieces, with greenscreen work extending the ventilation shafts up and down in this 50-storey building. There was an elevator shaft, that was a set that with two floors of elevator; we extended it, and the characters were zip-lining down the elevator cables.”

There are many wire and rig removals, and other stunt enhancements, “like when they’re coming down the zipline in the elevator shaft. They’re using a homemade rig in the story, but it’s a real rig and we erase that. There’s also a motorcycle jump off these big steps, and there were wires holding the motorcycle upright; and we’re erasing that. They’re fighting on a gondola, and they’re getting knocked over and flying off; there are all kinds of rigs and harnesses keeping the actors from falling off the gondola, that we erase.

“We did an episode where we blew up a building. We were using pyro and glass elements that were shot on our soundstage, along with special effects elements used to create CG fire. We do miniature shoots sometimes; do a small explosion and comp it into a larger piece. In the pilot, we blew up the wall of an office building. We shot that with no explosion, and then we went on a separate day, made a small quarter-scale version of that set and then blew it up.

“It’s a really interesting show; it’s a variety of challenges. It’s a different thing every week. It’s all based on real world phenomena, and it’s important to the show that this exists in the real world. We did a shot where there’s a DC Metro station. It was shot in Vancouver in a hotel lobby, and they greenscreened one side; we made a subway tunnel on that side, and brought a CG train into it. It’s a lot of stuff like that — expanding the scope of Chance’s world, bringing him to different environments and helping with these various moving action set pieces.

“You have these really cool shots you’d expect in a feature film. In the pilot there’s a shot from outside the train car, where they’re running from car to car to car and you’re seeing it through the windows. And there is actually no train – all that stuff is put in. When they go through a tunnel, there’s no tunnel. We’re doing all that.

“It’s a fun show. There’s a lot of work that might go unnoticed, but it really contributes to the believability and the scope of what they’re trying to accomplish.”

More info: Human Target official website; “Give ‘Human Target’ a shot, and it could just be a bull’s-eye” on USAToday.