Bunny Sleds & Teleporting Eagles — the Periannath.com Review of “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”

Oy vey.

New on Periannath.com, my (mostly) former Tolkien blog: my review of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.

Excerpt:

The Hobbit is 95,000 words; The Lord of the Rings is 481,000. The Hobbit is a children’s book; The Lord of the Rings is decidedly for adult readers. The Hobbit is a fairy tale; The Lord of the Rings is high fantasy, and created an entire new genre of fantasy fiction. The two books are very different in tone. But when Peter Jackson decided to make a film adaptation of The Hobbit, he decided that it should have the same dramatic high fantasy tone as his Lord of the Rings films. This was a major mistake.

Check out this review, and my other Tolkien adaptation reviews, at Periannath.com!

The Best of Kunochan from Periannath.com

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As you can tell, I am no longer posting regularly to Periannath.com. Indeed, from this point forward I will only be posting the occasional feature article, such as a film review or a Tollkien 101; I’ll leave the day-to-day Tolkien news to TORn.

Here are some links to the Best of Periannath.com (so far).

Film Reviews:

UGLY ELVES & INFLATABLE ORCS: RANKIN/BASS’ 1977 ‘THE HOBBIT’ REVIEWED

ROTO-ORCS & INVINCIBLE DOORS: RALPH BAKSHI’S 1978 ‘JRR TOLKIEN’S THE LORD OF THE RINGS’ REVIEWED

GLOW-IN-THE-DARK HOBBITS & HOMOPHOBIC FRODOS: RANKIN BASS’ 1980 “THE RETURN OF THE KING” REVIEWED

Humor:

BILBO BAGGINS IMAGE MACROS

GUILLERMO DEL TORO’S ‘THE HOBBIT,’ COMPOSED ENTIRELY OF SCREENCAPS FROM ‘THE LORD OF THE RINGS’

IF TOM BOMBADIL HAD APPEARED IN PETER JACKSON’S ‘THE LORD OF THE RINGS’

IF GLORFINDEL HAD APPEARED IN PETER JACKSON’S ‘THE LORD OF THE RINGS’

IF LOTR HAD BEEN WRITTEN BY A GAME DEVELOPER

Also, here are all the installments of Tolkien 101.

And be sure to read Sauron’s Blog!

Ugly Elves & Inflatable Orcs: Rankin/Bass’ 1977 ‘The Hobbit’ Reviewed

On Periannath.com: a review of the 1977 Rankin/Bass animated version of The Hobbit.

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Author JRR Tolkien believed that we each have a great sacrifice to make, for the betterment of all humanity. Frodo bore the Ring, for the sake of The Shire; Aragorn walked the Paths of the Dead, for the sake of the Free Peoples; and I watched Rankin/Bass Productions’ 1977 animated television production of The Hobbit, for you, my readers.

You’re welcome. Do I get to sail to Tol Eressëa now?

Read Ugly Elves & Inflatable Orcs: Rankin/Bass’ 1977 ‘The Hobbit’ Reviewed on Periannath.com.

Sauron’s Blog Gets New URL and WordPress Theme

I just received this mysterious press release, left under the door. The hallway is filled with a foul odor and sticky hoofprints.

The Mouth of SauronGreetings, foul subcreature. I am The Mouth of Sauron, Lieutenant of Barad-dûr, Herumor’s Heir, and Rightful Chief of the Dúnedain. It is my task to communicate to you the commands of Sauron, Lord of the Earth, as well as to share news and recent happenings.

First — there is a new URL for Sauron’s Blog. Although http://kunochan.com/sauron will still work, the proper address is now http://www.sauronsblog.com. Use this URL. The Eye commands it.

Second — Sauron’s Blog has a new WordPress theme, one much more severe and imposing than the previous theme. In fact, the Orcs and Wild Men responsible for the previous theme have been tortured and sent to the mines.

Third — by making purchases via Amazon links from this site, you support not only Lord Sauron’s blogging activities, but also His efforts to destroy the corrupt Elves and Men of the West, and unite all The Earth in peace and prosperity. Even if you do not plan to purchase any of Tolkien’s books of Elvish lies, you can click through from Sauron’s Blog any time you plan to purchase from Amazon.

Needless to say, The Eye commands it.

Now, get back to work! Where there’s a whip, there’s a way!

Visit Sauron’s Blog here. Start from the first post here. By the way, those same Amazon links support kunochan.com as well!

I Am Now The JRR Tolkien Examiner on Examiner.com

As I mentioned in the title, I am now the official JRR Tolkien Examiner at Examiner.com.

I will continue working on Periannath.com, my personal Tolkien blog, as well. Any news stories from Examiner.com will also appear on Periannath.com.

At the request of my editor at Examiner.com, I am writing Tolkien 101, a series of articles explaining various concepts from Tolkien’s works for people new to the books.

Links: JRR Tolkien Examiner; Periannath.com.

If “The Lord of the Rings” Had Been Written By a Game Developer

Originally posted 11/26/06 on Furinkan High School Kendo Club.

If “The Lord of the Rings” Had Been Written By a Game Developer
By Erik Even

Frodo Baggins of the Shire stooped over in Farmer Maggot’s field and harvested another mushroom cap. As long as he moved slowly, and did not creep into their line of sight, the farmer’s mean old hounds, Grip, Fang and Wolf, would remain asleep under a nearby willow tree.

The hobbit stowed the newly-purloined mushroom cap and started off in search of another. He had been sneaking about for hours, collecting as many of the fungi as he could find. When he returned to Bag End, he would be able to trade the mushroom caps for another Vial of Galadriel.

Locating another mushroom cap near the same pond where Frodo once harvested Watcher in the Water Scales, the halfling attempted to put the tiny toadstool in his bag. But alas! His inventory was full, and there was no room!

Frodo pawed through his collection of rabbit skins, warg’s teeth, caskets of Longbottom Leaf, Lesser Elven Rings, Second Age Blades, Evenstar Necklaces, Balrog’s Claws and Gollum Dung, looking for something he could discard. But a noise drew the hobbit’s attention to the east.

Someone was coming over the ridge, from the direction of the Stock-brook. Frodo armed himself, brandishing Andúril in his own field of view, to the lower right. But the blade did not glow, for the newcomer was no enemy.

“Why, it’s old Gandalf,” Frodo said to himself. The hobbit had not seen the wizard for almost six months, since that night at Bag End when the wizened conjurer had revealed to Frodo the terrifying secret of his uncle’s Ring.

“Confound it, you miserable little creature!” the wizard yelled, advancing on Frodo with his gray robes billowing around him. “I have been across Eriador and back looking for you! When I could not find you at Rivendell, Glorfindel, Aragorn and I searched The Wild for months! When I heard you had never arrived at Crickhollow, I feared the worst!”

Leaning heavily on his old staff, the wizard peered, exasperated, down at the hobbit. “What are you doing still in the Shire?”

“Collecting mushroom caps and athelas leaves,” the hobbit replied. “If I collect enough athelas leaves, I can trade them in at Michel Delving for Mithril Vests. And then I turn in the Mithril Vests to the dwarf at the North Farthing Stone, and he —“

“Athelas leaves? Mithril Vests?” the wizard burst out, huffing and puffing. “What is this nonsense? Did you hear nothing I told you? Sauron seeks the One Ring! The Nine are abroad, searching for ‘Shire’ and ‘Baggins!’ We agreed that you would flee The Shire by September!”

“Yes, but I could not leave The Shire with nothing but the waistcoat on my back,” Frodo replied. “By training in the art of tanning and making leather breeches, I was able to earn enough gold to buy this excellent Dwarf Helm from Fatty Bolger —“

But Gandalf was no longer listening, his attention drawn to Frodo’s shining blade. “By the Holy Silmarils! Is that the blade of Isuldur reforged? How –?”

“Silmarils?” Frodo asked, rummaging through his sack. “I have four or five of those here. Barliman Butterbur trades them for Miruvor Vials when you go to the Prancing Pony to heal.”

“Frodo!” Gandalf cried, as the old man rose up suddenly proud and strong like an Elf king of old. “The armies of Mordor stand at the gates of Minas Tirith! Rohan has fallen, and Erebor is is besieged! The hour is late, and the Ring must be destr—is that really a Silmaril?”

The Halfling held aloft the holy jewel, which gave off the clear white light of a thousand stars.

“Sure,” Frodo said. “I’ll trade it for your staff.”